28 January 2006

the wife of a cook

(preface: sean would never and will never refer to himself as a chef because he believes that CHEF is a title you earn something you accomplish. therefore he would call himself a cook.)
there is this big myth that has been started somewhere. that if you live with someone who cooks for a living that you must eat incredible things night and day. AND IT'S TRUE. i have a fabulous life, it's wonderful, and I do eat amazing things. however -
this is also the life as the wife of a cook. you do not eat dinner together. you do not eat lunch together, and you mostly just don't eat together. because although you have time for breakfast, most likely the cook didn't get home before 2am at times. would you ask the love of your life to wake up at 7am and make you breakfast if he didn't got to bed until 3am? would you? no, you wouldn't.
sometimes you would stay up until 1am to wait for him to get home, and most times you would eat dinner by yourself. and that's okay. life is different. and that's okay.
i'm never sure what to say to people when they feel badly for sean and I that we don't get to have all these things together. I married a cook. and that's okay. it's wonderful. this is who I love. and this is why I love him. yes, he works very very very long days for not much money. no we don't get much time together. no, he doesn't get to see his friends as often as he would like. I don't want him to get a 9-5 desk job, because it would kill him. and it wouldn't be him. I knew who I married. I knew the heart I married. and wouldn't want to change that for a million dinners together, or a million weekends. I love being the wife of a cook.

for your knowledge - tonight I ate dinner at 1015pm by myself. it consisted of three kinds of cheese (chevere, brie and cheddar), beets, and a few belienies (champagne with peach nectar). as the wife of a cook, you might not always have the cook, but you always have fabulous ingredients to make something with. not matter how lazy you are.

a birthday

january 26
so as everyone has been telling me, i am now officially old.
it is apparently unnanumous that i have no birthdays to look forward to. everything is down hill from here. mid-life crisis here i come. there seems to be some debate that turning 30 could be cool, however when people say that they have that look in their face. it's the...i'm trying to convice myself and you at the same time, but....neither one of us is buying this. or most people are bound to bring up the ever popular "well, at 25 you can rent a car?" but as my friend abe said today "oh, no you can rent one now, you just have to pay up the butt for it." and HONESTLY, who looks forward to renting a car??!? where are those people, no never mind, i don't want to meet them.
i'm sure that there are lots of groans going on out there. a lot of "my gosh you're only 22" it's true. but i think it might be the line that you cross. the old/young line. but no one wants to admit it. it's secretive and quiet and sneaks up on you.
my birthday was wonderful, as all birthday should be. quiet and simple and nothing big. just the way i like it. the only way that i would love a big birthday party is if at the party there was never a bringing out of any kind of cake. no singing of any kind. and no making me make any kind of public speech of any kind. however my dream birthday, lots and lots and lots of wonderful friends (and also my husband) at a fabulous restaurant at one big table eating and enjoying each others laughter, stories and company. but i want to sit in the middle of the table, not at the end and i don't want to sit next to sean. i dislike "couple sitting" it's strange and very alienating i feel to those who have no other. as if they need one. why can't we all be individules? you live with that person, do you really have to SIT next to them at every occation? why wouldn't you want to be surrounded with people you DON'T get to see everyday? odd.
every year on my birthday, since my 18th birthday i have listened to the same cd. my friend made it for me as a present on my 18th birthday. 5 years later and it's still a great birthday cd. i supose i'll keep the friend too.

22 January 2006

a song

i never do this. simply type out a song on my blog. because when others do this i never actually read the song. (sorry 'bout that) however, this song is being played over and over and over on my iPod right now. i'm glad that it is. because at least it means i haven't given up. i think.

hush - waterdeep - everyone's beautiful

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
and you feel like the nights seem quickly gone
and on the inside, you feel like your hearts just gaping wide
and on the inside, you feel like no one's on your side
well, I am
I am

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
and there's another need another battle another one more thing that comes along
and on the inside, you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
and on the inside, you can't pick another broken piece up off of the ground
well, I know

hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gunna buy you a great big heaven to rest in.
he's bought it with blood, and put the seal in your heart
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start....again

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hangin' on
and everything you try to do right, just ends up all wrong
and on the inside, everyone else seems basically fine
but on the inside, even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive
well, I AM

hush little baby, don't say a word
daddy's gunna by you a great big heaven to rest in
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start....again
again, again and again...

21 January 2006

they were right

so, as you grow up in life you realize lots of times that you thought you knew what you were talking about. but you didn't. you were wrong. or you didn't believe your teacher,parent,counselor. you thought you were right. you weren't. you were wrong. you didn't need help because you could do it by yourself. but you couldn't. you were wrong. they were right.

today i was driving and was OBVIOUSLY running about 5 minutes late. because who would be on time, when you can constantly be 5 minutes late to EVERYTHING in life. and as if it wasn't enough to simply be driving to work 5 minutes late after the whirlwind tornado of trying to shower and eat and dry hair and put on mascara and find clean socks at once, i also attempted to listen to two or three days of messages left on my cell phone. all from my complete lack of responsibility. i didn't charge my phone, and then i couldn't find the charger, then i found it but was too lazy to plug it in.... so there i am drving, out of breath, LATE, and listening to messages. and i had three messages, two of which i listened to without much mind, they were just the typical "hey, were here, are you on your way?" y'know those kind.
the third message was from a dear friend asking me to take on...to do something incredibly difficult. i was frozen, it was as if my mind had been going a million miles a minute and then all of a sudden i couldn't think. couldn't breathe. couldn't move. couldn't listen.

sometimes as you grow up in life
you realize lots of times that you thought you knew what you were talking about. but you didn't. you were wrong. i, cannot drive a car and talk on my cell phone. they were right. the parents, the politicians, the angry person with the anti-cell phone bumper sticker on their car. they were right.

there was no accident, there was nothing...i was in an empty parking lot. however, i thought i could, and i can't because i have no idea what the person on the other end might be getting ready to say to me.

14 January 2006

humm better?

man, i feel as though i woke up on the awkward side of the bed today. woke up late for work - it was one of those drying my hair while putting on make up while trying to get dressed all at the same time. i mean it ONLY could have been topped off if i had had the animals running around and a million children going crazy all around me. so i arrive at work all flustered and the day fell accordingly afterward. just everything gone to crap. i got to work with some people i like which was a bonus, but really, as fabulous as they are...not making up for the rest of it.
i have the next couple days off which i think will be good. i'm thinking about getting to some art projects started/finished - who knows. maybe try and figure some things out.
okay. really, i have nothing else to say. i'm stopping now.

13 January 2006

crap man

*unfortunatly honest. or maybe not. read at your own discression*
(listening to: blue light- bloc party)

i am feeling as though this may not be the best time for me to start blogging again but i'm ...what's the word. I DON'T KNOW.(and that pisses me off when i can't remember the word i want to use, however i am much MORE aggitated when i KNOW the word i want to use but cannot because i CANNOT SPELL IT. what the hell is a great vocabulary doing me if i can't spell anything.) whatever i just need to or want to? no that's not it. well here i am. i am still fighting the constant inner battle of kinda hating blogging.(i feel that's not gramatically correct) i really do think that y'all would be surprized how many times i THINK about blogging. but it gives me the same feeling in my gut like the thought of doing dishes or cleaning my room gives me. and yet here i am. strange. right....so i have been feeling a serious lack of laughter in my life lately. i feel very lazy. it's like i have no energy to pour into people. wow, that's depressing now that i see it written. it's as if people are talking and i just don't care. or i go to social events waiting for when i can leave. everything seems bothersome. i'm unhappy when i'm alone, i'm unhappy when i'm with people. i got to see some very close friends this past week and that was wonderful. they just know me so well, and i realized that a part of me is gone when they are. it's as if i've given them part of me that i can't have unless they're sitting next to me. i feel needy. i HATE being needy. i'm not excited about school. i'm not excited about ANYTHING. i hate work, i hate doing laundry, i hate waking up, i hate getting dressed. this isn't like alexander and the terrible no good very bad day. this is CRAP. i'm not saying that i'm not completely over privledged and have more than i ever should or deserve or need. maybe it's something in that...the feeling of glutany that makes you sick. that you've endulged yourself to the point of illness. as my friend said to me the other day "hum, that's called a sin babe." INDULGED MYSELF TO THE POINT OF ILLNESS. i feel discusting. i feel numb and disconected. i'm irritated and dissapointed with everyone. or with myself, or both, or neither. i find myself agreeing to stay only in the gray where it's comfortable for everyone. where no one will be offended. FUCK. that's how i feel. i realize that my parents and aunts and uncles, pastors and mentors, cousins and probably some old church lady and my GRANDMOTHER for gosh sakes reads this but that's how it goes sometimes.
so this is why i don't blog. I HATE THAT I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE TO. why am i forcing myself to do this? ....so i listen to myself. so i hear myself. not for you. it's not for you. not in a selfish way, but i'm not very good at getting things out. i let it cramp up inside, like that 3rd microwave burrito you shouldn't have eaten. (like the FIRST one that you shouldn't have eaten)
i'm going on a run. to get some of this out, or work some of it out, or barf some of it out (not in an eating disorder sort of way however) in a this world has made me sick kind of a way. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SICK. and i'm not spell checking this either.

but if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is.