20 December 2006


everyone always talks about the seasons of your life. and how you'll look back and you'll laugh. or that you will remember with fondness the days when you had no money. i don't doubt that i'll won't remember this time in our lives. but no one ever decides to continue on with life without money. without their security. a month ago someone asked me what we were living on. did we just have a large savings that we were falling back on. "nope. just feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing" is all i can say. that always meets people well. they love to hear that. "oh that's great" they'll say "how good of you" well it may be great and well for someone but not them is really what they're saying. because sometimes you finish paying a few bills and there's ninty-seven dollars in your bank account. and rent is due in weeks and presents to buy and phone bills and, and, and. and y'know sometimes you stop and ask yourself. when is that time? when is it that i'm supposed to look back and think this was fun? when is it that this becomes nostalgic? when does it cross over from terrifying to "that crazy time in life". because i'm waiting and i don't see the light.
it seems like a very memorable time in life, but memorable like natural disasters are memorable. not like your 5th birthday party, or your wedding day. but hey. it's fun right? we'll have stories. and we'll get to tell our kids, and we'll remember when we ate pizza for every meal. except for that's just it. we don't eat pizza for every meal. it costs too much. so no i don't think this turns out to be one of those times. i don't think you look back on this and smile. i think you look back and say "thank God it's over". because if it were so fascinatingly fantastic you would be writing this post. but you're not, because it's not a time anyone ever wants to re-visit or re-live.

someday there will be flowers in the window...but i will not look back on this fondly. i will not yearn for this time of life again.