barbie pink binder

today i feel odd. i just spent some time reading my cousin's blog and am continually blessed by my family. sometimes when i am just tired and apprehensive about where my life is going i find it either wonderful or terrible to listen to music. because it either helps a bit, makes me realize that you can't take life so seriously. music takes me through memories of life. however sometimes i'm just tired and emotional and it just makes me cry and freak out and feel as if i've lost my mind.
this summer has been amazing. i am surrounded by friends and family and loving it. these people bring so much laughter and truth into my life. however at times i hear a whispering in my ear. that sean and i are crazy. we have no idea how we will pay the bills when we get home. we have no jobs waiting for us in boulder. i have to find an internship or preferably job at a dental office. we have food to buy and animals to take care of. and sometimes the whispering in my ear becomes too much. our whole marriage has been saturated with trust. we've never had money, but we've never been in want. ever. more times than i can count i've looked at sean and said, "how will this work? where will the money come from?" and it's always there. sean works hard. most of the time too hard. i am more than grateful...sometimes i feel so unworthy in this relationship. not because of him. sean would never say that i am. and it's not an unworthiness of feeling that i am incapable of being in this marriage, just of that i don't deserve this man. i know it's the whole point. none of us deserve any of these things. and i don't deserve this marriage. but i am grateful. the other night i was sitting in the ranch house with a life-long friend and she said, "he's a good one. you are blessed. there really aren't many out there like him. really." She wasn't saying all guys out there are crap or that none of them are worth dating or whatever, but just in honesty affirming in my life that Sean is a blessing on all. that he understands what it is to care for people not to just care about people, but to actually care FOR them.
at our wedding sean and i danced to a Ben Folds song to which the chorus is "and i am...i am...i am, the luckiest." that's how i feel. the luckiest.
i am myself in this relationship. it's the best feeling ever. i remember when i was talking with annie after her and jd had been together for some time and she looked at me and said, "i had no idea it could be this good". i shared her surprise. it's true. i also had NO idea how good this could be. a couple of weeks ago i had a dream that sean was really sick with the chicken pox and when i woke up in the morning sean was already up, but just sitting on the edge of the bed and i sat bold upright and said "DO YOU HAVE THE CHICKEN POX?!?!" sean, classically in just the calmest voice said, "no. already have had." and then walked off to go shower. he didn't look at me like i was a loon. which i clearly am. he didn't even ask any questions. just.."no. already have had". this morning i woke up a bit after 700 to sean's alarm and called my brother to see how his wife was doing (she's in labor). he said that mom and baby were both doing fine but that there had been no progress. they were still just waiting. she went into labor probably around 1100-ish or so last night. and when i got off the phone sean said "well, what's the word?" and i said "still in labor" and then pulled the blankets back over my head and said "NO thank you". he just smiled at me, said he needed to get going. still groggy and horrified at the thought of giving birth all night long i said, "adios muchacho!" he kissed me laughed a little and said "adios".
i'm not sure he always knows what to do with me. but i do know as unworthy as i am in this, that i am a blessing to his life as well. i teach him how to not take life so seriously at times. and he blesses me with unconditional love and patience.
sean carries around a barbie pink binder. he keeps all of his important camp papers in it. phone numbers, legal papers, schedules, housing assignments of hundreds of children, sermons, morning talks, etc. he keeps it all in the barbie pink binder because it reminds him not to take life so seriously. a few weeks ago i made a silly flower pen for lyndsay pina, to remind her to not take life so seriously.
sometimes when i hear the whisper that sean and i are crazy for being out here this summer. that the money will dry up before we realize and we'll have no jobs and the bills will pile up, when i hear this whisper i loose my barbie pink binder. today i need to find my barbie pink binder or my flower pen.
those are all my thoughts for the moment.
adios muchachos!