a birthday

january 26
so as everyone has been telling me, i am now officially old.
it is apparently unnanumous that i have no birthdays to look forward to. everything is down hill from here. mid-life crisis here i come. there seems to be some debate that turning 30 could be cool, however when people say that they have that look in their face. it's the...i'm trying to convice myself and you at the same time, but....neither one of us is buying this. or most people are bound to bring up the ever popular "well, at 25 you can rent a car?" but as my friend abe said today "oh, no you can rent one now, you just have to pay up the butt for it." and HONESTLY, who looks forward to renting a car??!? where are those people, no never mind, i don't want to meet them.
i'm sure that there are lots of groans going on out there. a lot of "my gosh you're only 22" it's true. but i think it might be the line that you cross. the old/young line. but no one wants to admit it. it's secretive and quiet and sneaks up on you.
my birthday was wonderful, as all birthday should be. quiet and simple and nothing big. just the way i like it. the only way that i would love a big birthday party is if at the party there was never a bringing out of any kind of cake. no singing of any kind. and no making me make any kind of public speech of any kind. however my dream birthday, lots and lots and lots of wonderful friends (and also my husband) at a fabulous restaurant at one big table eating and enjoying each others laughter, stories and company. but i want to sit in the middle of the table, not at the end and i don't want to sit next to sean. i dislike "couple sitting" it's strange and very alienating i feel to those who have no other. as if they need one. why can't we all be individules? you live with that person, do you really have to SIT next to them at every occation? why wouldn't you want to be surrounded with people you DON'T get to see everyday? odd.
every year on my birthday, since my 18th birthday i have listened to the same cd. my friend made it for me as a present on my 18th birthday. 5 years later and it's still a great birthday cd. i supose i'll keep the friend too.

a song

i never do this. simply type out a song on my blog. because when others do this i never actually read the song. (sorry 'bout that) however, this song is being played over and over and over on my iPod right now. i'm glad that it is. because at least it means i haven't given up. i think.

hush - waterdeep - everyone's beautiful

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
and you feel like the nights seem quickly gone
and on the inside, you feel like your hearts just gaping wide
and on the inside, you feel like no one's on your side
well, I am
I am

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
and there's another need another battle another one more thing that comes along
and on the inside, you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
and on the inside, you can't pick another broken piece up off of the ground
well, I know

hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gunna buy you a great big heaven to rest in.
he's bought it with blood, and put the seal in your heart
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start....again

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hangin' on
and everything you try to do right, just ends up all wrong
and on the inside, everyone else seems basically fine
but on the inside, even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive
well, I AM

hush little baby, don't say a word
daddy's gunna by you a great big heaven to rest in
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start....again
again, again and again...

they were right

so, as you grow up in life you realize lots of times that you thought you knew what you were talking about. but you didn't. you were wrong. or you didn't believe your teacher,parent,counselor. you thought you were right. you weren't. you were wrong. you didn't need help because you could do it by yourself. but you couldn't. you were wrong. they were right.

today i was driving and was OBVIOUSLY running about 5 minutes late. because who would be on time, when you can constantly be 5 minutes late to EVERYTHING in life. and as if it wasn't enough to simply be driving to work 5 minutes late after the whirlwind tornado of trying to shower and eat and dry hair and put on mascara and find clean socks at once, i also attempted to listen to two or three days of messages left on my cell phone. all from my complete lack of responsibility. i didn't charge my phone, and then i couldn't find the charger, then i found it but was too lazy to plug it in.... so there i am drving, out of breath, LATE, and listening to messages. and i had three messages, two of which i listened to without much mind, they were just the typical "hey, were here, are you on your way?" y'know those kind.
the third message was from a dear friend asking me to take on...to do something incredibly difficult. i was frozen, it was as if my mind had been going a million miles a minute and then all of a sudden i couldn't think. couldn't breathe. couldn't move. couldn't listen.

sometimes as you grow up in life you realize lots of times that you thought you knew what you were talking about. but you didn't. you were wrong. i, cannot drive a car and talk on my cell phone. they were right. the parents, the politicians, the angry person with the anti-cell phone bumper sticker on their car. they were right.

there was no accident, there was nothing...i was in an empty parking lot. however, i thought i could, and i can't because i have no idea what the person on the other end might be getting ready to say to me.

humm better?

man, i feel as though i woke up on the awkward side of the bed today. woke up late for work - it was one of those drying my hair while putting on make up while trying to get dressed all at the same time. i mean it ONLY could have been topped off if i had had the animals running around and a million children going crazy all around me. so i arrive at work all flustered and the day fell accordingly afterward. just everything gone to crap. i got to work with some people i like which was a bonus, but really, as fabulous as they are...not making up for the rest of it.
i have the next couple days off which i think will be good. i'm thinking about getting to some art projects started/finished - who knows. maybe try and figure some things out.
okay. really, i have nothing else to say. i'm stopping now.

crap man

*unfortunatly honest. or maybe not. read at your own discression*
(listening to: blue light- bloc party)

i am feeling as though this may not be the best time for me to start blogging again but i'm ...what's the word. I DON'T KNOW.(and that pisses me off when i can't remember the word i want to use, however i am much MORE aggitated when i KNOW the word i want to use but cannot because i CANNOT SPELL IT. what the hell is a great vocabulary doing me if i can't spell anything.) whatever i just need to or want to? no that's not it. well here i am. i am still fighting the constant inner battle of kinda hating blogging.(i feel that's not gramatically correct) i really do think that y'all would be surprized how many times i THINK about blogging. but it gives me the same feeling in my gut like the thought of doing dishes or cleaning my room gives me. and yet here i am. strange. right....so i have been feeling a serious lack of laughter in my life lately. i feel very lazy. it's like i have no energy to pour into people. wow, that's depressing now that i see it written. it's as if people are talking and i just don't care. or i go to social events waiting for when i can leave. everything seems bothersome. i'm unhappy when i'm alone, i'm unhappy when i'm with people. i got to see some very close friends this past week and that was wonderful. they just know me so well, and i realized that a part of me is gone when they are. it's as if i've given them part of me that i can't have unless they're sitting next to me. i feel needy. i HATE being needy. i'm not excited about school. i'm not excited about ANYTHING. i hate work, i hate doing laundry, i hate waking up, i hate getting dressed. this isn't like alexander and the terrible no good very bad day. this is CRAP. i'm not saying that i'm not completely over privledged and have more than i ever should or deserve or need. maybe it's something in that...the feeling of glutany that makes you sick. that you've endulged yourself to the point of illness. as my friend said to me the other day "hum, that's called a sin babe." INDULGED MYSELF TO THE POINT OF ILLNESS. i feel discusting. i feel numb and disconected. i'm irritated and dissapointed with everyone. or with myself, or both, or neither. i find myself agreeing to stay only in the gray where it's comfortable for everyone. where no one will be offended. FUCK. that's how i feel. i realize that my parents and aunts and uncles, pastors and mentors, cousins and probably some old church lady and my GRANDMOTHER for gosh sakes reads this but that's how it goes sometimes.
so this is why i don't blog. I HATE THAT I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE TO. why am i forcing myself to do this? ....so i listen to myself. so i hear myself. not for you. it's not for you. not in a selfish way, but i'm not very good at getting things out. i let it cramp up inside, like that 3rd microwave burrito you shouldn't have eaten. (like the FIRST one that you shouldn't have eaten)
i'm going on a run. to get some of this out, or work some of it out, or barf some of it out (not in an eating disorder sort of way however) in a this world has made me sick kind of a way. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SICK. and i'm not spell checking this either.

but if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is.

it's comin' up

i realize that we never posted any pictures from our wedding. almost a YEAR ago!

beautiful day

earlier i was sitting here reading my email. i decided to leave the front door open so that the last bits of summer breeze could run a muck in our house, while drinking my most favorite wine in the world (louis tete beaujolais villages 2003). partially watching when harry met sally on tv, and waiting for my dinner to finish cooking....i just simply love summer evenings.

on a completely crappier note i got a freakin' photo radar and red light enforcement ticket in the mail today. sean tried to make it sort of funny...but lets face it. it's not. and it's even less funny because it's the second one that i've gotten. i know i'm sure that i'm not getting any sympathy from anyone right now because you're most likely thinking "well maybe you should stop running red lights" and obviously that's true. but it's not that i'm some crazy out of control driver. i just really really HATE those stupid cameras. i'm not arguing that i didn't run the red light. OBVIOUSLY I DID. i'm just really really annoyed by the whole thing. i have a lot of reasons which i won't go through because no one wants to hear me complain. i'm just really really annoyed that every day i have to pass through 5 cameras simply to get to work. i'm all for having safe drivers on the road but the reason that i'm annoyed by this is because sean and i really have no money right now...which is fine, we're being taken care of....but i'm PISSED that we're spending money that we really don't have to pay off this stupid photo red light ticket. i'm just tired and i hate wasting my money. lame. that's all i have to say....lame. mostly it makes me upset because it effects sean. now there are things he can't have or do..the cat can't go to the vet, etc etc... sometimes life is beautiful...sometimes lame.

save the drama fo yo momma

the other night sean when sean and i came home we herded three...or four very large cows back into the correct pasture before walking in our front door.
i finally saw the new charlie and the chocolate factory on IMAX and i loved it. i actually found myself laughing out loud. the experience was made all the better by the fact that sean and i went with deanna, anne, capp, amanda, and ross. it was a great night.
yesterday i started a huge art project on my desk, i hope to finish tonight. it's raining right now...apparently it's the "monsoon" season here in colorado. but i'm not sure how i feel about calling this a rainy season...the weather here is just weird and that's all i have to say about that. but for now i'll drink my chai and return to my art. peace.

songs

when a song speaks to me...i could listen to it over and over and over for a week. it's not that i listen to it until i don't like it anymore or don't want to hear it anymore, it's just some collision in my life with where i am and what that song is and feels like and the emotion that it pulls out. sometimes it's simply the music and the way it rises and falls.
this makes sean crazy. he doesn't understand how i could sit and listen to the same song over and over again. once a cd has played once through, he needs to move on. put something new on. i'm sure this says a lot about who i am and who he is, but that's not really what i'm getting at. i don't know what i'm getting at... sometimes i just need the repetition in my life, or maybe the comfort of knowing where the music is going? no...i dont' think that's it....it helps me think, work things out in my head. at times i get so worked up in my head that nothing can come out. i think it helps me process. helps me to put things in order, get things out, let things go.

the song currently playing over and over: FAIR by REMY ZERO

much changing

this seems to be a time of much changing. i am getting ready to go to school in the fall...well wait, it starts a little further back than that.... amanda graduated from college last month, so she's back with the parents and working at a great breakfast and lunch place called lucil's which serves new orleans style food (the beinges - i can't spell it but they are doughnut type things that come to your table hot and fresh and COVERED in powdered sugar - are amazing..i could probably eat them everyday) so now that amanda's done with school we have lots of time to hang out, which is great. we have to fit it all in right now because she's moving to london this fall....much changing. also, our very good friend deanna, and our very good friends anne and jonathan are moving to denver!! sean and i are looking forward to having them close by again. they bring joy and laughter and comfort (and love) to our lives. sean and i have found a new place to live and will be moving at the end of june. we're moving into boulder and we look forward to being closer to family and work and everything. sean is looking for a new job, and i am getting ready to go to school in the fall... much changing. as far as the animals go...kenna will be living on 100 acres of land where she'll be able to run around again, and our cat will be living in the young life house where his job will be to catch mice.

this time of changing is hard for me...well actually this time BEFORE things actually change is hard for me. the in between time. i know we are being taken care of and watched over, and so i strive to learn how to trust and relax. it's not easy.
on a completely different note, i was in PEPPERCORN the other day (a store on the pearl street mall - just jam-packed with everything from decorations, to plates, pot and and pans to cookbooks, and linens.) and i was passing by the teapot, tea cup area where there were tons of different jams and lemon curd and biscuits and teas and it made me think of laura cosby. (laura - continue to bless people with tea time, it is a much needed thing (: know that you are loved and missed here.)

the zoo sucka!

today i spilt an entire venti drink on some poor unsuspecting lady. i did this during the first 3 minutes i was at work. the rest of my day followed accordingly. so yes also today...feeling like a moron.
sean and i leave to go to denver and then colorado springs tomorrow morning. the final destination being the zoo in colorado springs. amanda and her friend ross are going as well. i've been looking forward to it since sunday (when we decided to go).
after the zoo ross has some appointment or something down in the springs, and sean might have some guy buy his car. then sean is off to take the grandparents to the train station, and i have a shower to go to for a bride-to-be (:

i'll go, but...
so sometimes i agree to do things, but only if i can make some rules that must be followed. like once i was really tired and i didn't want to go to the grocery store, but sean really wanted me to come with him (you can tell these are really interesting, important-for-you-to-know kind of stories eh?) anyway, i agreed to go as long as i didn't have to take my sunglasses off for the entire time we were inside the grocery store, and as long as i didn't have to talk to anyone in the aisles.
i agreed to get up early on my ONE day to sleep in to go to the zoo with everyone as long as i could wear my pj's all the way down to the springs, and maybe even into the zoo.

other big news:
1) our fish are schooling
2) we're not going to buy a house
3) we hope to sell sean's car tomorrow
4) kenna rolled in a whole lot of poop.

family

tonight i ate dinner at sean's parent's house. when i got there it was happy hour, which included a whole party by the time i got there. dad, grandma and grandpa oldroyd, grandma dunn, evan and joni, and jerry and missy. (jerry is evan's best friend, and missy is his wife. sean was gone working and mom was at a church meeting.) everyone is in town for the big day tomorrow...amanda's graduation! so after happy hour ended evan, joni, jerry, and missy all took off to go out to dinner, while the rest of us set the table for dinner.
dinner was wonderful. it was only clark (sean's dad) and all the grandparents, and myself. grandma dunn (charlotte) told stories of being a little girl, and of the depression, and of her late husband hampton. grandpa oldroyd told stories about his mom and dad and his grandparents. grandma oldroyd was a constant commentary on the evening, and on the cats, and of the day, etc, etc.
i felt so blessed. i simply soaked in the stories of my new family. they won't be around forever, and i love spending time with them. i love that i get to know his grandparents, and listen to their stories, and know about their lives. and i feel so honored the way that they pour out their love to me. when i came into the house tonight grandma dunn was in the other room so she didn't know that i hard arrived. once she noticed she said (now you have to say this in a little old ladies voice...but a little old SOUTHERN ladies voice) , "ohhhhh. .. well when did you get here? well you just come over here and give me a hug."
i love my husband, and my life is overflowing with the blessings of family.

thursdays

on thrusdays i open the restaurant with matt. every thursday he asks me if i'm tired. (from my morning job). and i always ask him if he enjoyed mall day. (he delivers water during the day, and two thursdays a month he has to deliver to the giant mall, which he despises.) a little before 500 when we open the restaurant i always ask Sean and matt, "hey guys what do you wanna run tonight?" meaning what special sauce would like like to sell/make that night. matt never really chooses he simply makes a sarcastic joke about the fact that we tend to run the same sauce over and over and over. sean always chooses. yet still, we ask the same questions every week. this is thursdays.

the theme of the day: i am a moron

heidi works at the restaurant. she's wonderful, full of life, very funny, easy going, tell-it-like-it-is kind of a girl. i enjoy working with her. so the other day, at job numero uno, everything i touched i felt was a disaster. everything kept leaping out of my hands and crashing to the floor. drinks were spilling, milk was steamed to overflow and scalded. my head felt like one big fog. and i felt as if i was in an awful never-ending marry-go-round of a work day. and this was all on top of the fact that i HAD to find someone to cover my shift so that i could see my sister graduate. (well sister-in-law...but that sounds so sterile.) when my shift ended i proceeded..or should i say attempted to write a note to one of my fellow co-workers to try and beg him to cover my shift for graduation. and i was a bit of the way through when i wanted to use the sentence, "i'm sorry i realize i'm a moron and forgot to ask for the day off." except for the fact that i couldn't remember how to spell moron. right then and there i decided, enough is enough. i mean there's feeling like you're stupid and then there's feeling like you're stupid. but when you can't spell moron? i hope someone sees the humor. well, i had two choices....i could wallow in my self-pity and STUpidity, or i could just laugh about it. well one doesn't just go 21 years not knowing how to spell and not think it's funny. so obviously i saw the humor. and what did i do? well what everyone should. i explained the situation to just about every one of my fellow co-workers, prefacing it with the fact that apparently "the theme of the day is, I AM A MORON." it made people laugh, as i hoped that it would. when i arrived at job numero dos of course i proceeded to tell heidi about it. she laughed and we shared some more stories about our complete and utter failures in life. she doesn't think less of me because of my moron story...she simply appreciates the truth and laughter about life. as do i. i mean, who knows if i've even spelt it right yet.

man, and i was gunna play my harmonica

(this started out as a post about what tv shows sean and i watch, but crap man...that was so boring. so i erased it...and this is what came out next.)
i wish i had something more exciting to post about this evening, but apparently this is as exciting as it's getting today. i really have nothing witty, intelligent, minorly entertaining, sarcastic or overly dramatic to say.

i look forward to wednesday. every monday and wednesday sean and i eat breakfast together. i love breakfast. i love sitting at a table with someone else who's sleepy eyed and has bedhead. there's no other meal that's as intimite as breakfast. you really get them, no frills, no make up, just pj's and bedhead. and sometimes bad breath. breakfast is true love. love is just flowing from person to person, and everyone's too tired to cover up the things that they later hide from the world, or each other. people are more gentle with eachother. some things i feel are just good in life. breakfast is simply, and quietly...good.

tomorrow we buy fish.

do this

everyone should read the book HOUSE ON MANGO STREET by sandra cisneros, or anything by her. a short story, anything. she is amazing, thought provoking, makes you look at life in a new way. real life, not pretty life, not ugly life, just real life. she is brilliant. go, read, be changed.

day off

the long awaited day. the day off. i struggle with the day off, mostly because i realize that we really only have one each week, and therefore MOST of my life is not a day off. i don't want to live for the day off, i don't want to simply skip 6/7th's of my life simply waiting for the 1/7th. alas, i really enjoy the day off.

so what did i do with the day off? well...i slept in. then sean and i drove to a lady's house to pick up a dining room table she was giving to us. after that we headed off to go to the restaurant. sean had to pull some things from the freezer and put them in the fridge. we stopped off at chipolte to share a burrito (couldn't eat whole ones because we were meeting grandma and the parents for dinner). we stopped at a card shop to buy some cards for amanda's graduation then next we headed to bookends to grab a cup of coffee, where we met scott allen outside writing and watching the hand-stand girl on the pearl street mall. there wasn't much time to talk because of dinner with grandma. when we finally arrived to meet grandma she was of course excited (as were we). she had made dinner for sean, myself, and mom and dad. and there was some mumblings between grandma and mom either about that grandma had HAD a dream, or that in her dream-world sean would sit down at the table and eat the meal and say, "OH GRANDMA, that was so wonderful. i want to get the recipe from you." mostly i enjoy this thought because well...for a few reasons. the first being, doesn't it kind of make sean sound like a 1950's housewife? and two, of course sean would love anything that his grandma made for him. after dinner sean and i collected the fish tank that the parents were giving to us and headed home.
at home kenna was VERY interested in the new fish tank that sean and i were setting up. even hours after it was set up (no fish in it yet mind you) she would run to it and watch it intently, while clawing it with one paw. so since she had gotten herself all wound-up about the fish tank she was equally as spazzy about everything else in the house. mostly but not only...the cat. no matter what command we gave her, it all ended up the same...kenna would run and bite the cat. very odd. it was during this moment that my husband decided to sing something which went like, "matilda, matilda, matilda, matilda!" why, well...no one is sure. it was short, and he only really went through what i can assume to be a few verses before coming to an abrupt ending. all this going on while the cat is running around the house like a maniac. he's been acting strange lately. and by strange i mean behaviors such as: biting the wall and refusing to stop no matter what i did, and trying to gnaw on the floor...why we're not sure. and yes before you ask he is being fed. a few days ago he lost his collar and so he's had to be inside. which causes everyone to go crazy, mostly sean and i. today we bought him a new collar...we debated for a while about buying him a pastely pink collar just to spite him, however reconsidered on the basis that then everyone would simply think him a girl, and settled on maroon. i realize it may sound mean to do something simply to spite your animal, but i feel it is necessary that everyone understand that our cat, although we do love him, is a punk ass.
okay, humm...that's about it for the day off. short, sweet, and out with a bang.

peace

who said what?

"it's my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." <-- thoughts? reaction? agree/disagree? who do you think said this?

things to ponder...

okay i just got home from work so try and stay with me here..

well, i realize it's been a bit since i've had a post. i HAD an amazing one, wonderful, a thriller, heart pounding, edge of your seat, tear-jerker, laugh out loud kind of a post...but something happened and the site was down so it just erased my post and pissed me off. therefore, in protest i've refused to post for the past couple weeks. obviously my boycott has done wonders, i'm a real people mover if y'know what i mean.
basically the post was about what books i'm reading, what music i'm listening to, what movies i think are amazing, etc. SO i suppose i'll just give you the really short, and COMPLETELY inadequate version of the above mentioned creme de la creme of posts.
well, right now i'm reading GREAT EXPECTATIONS for humm...probably the 5th time in my life. wow, no that's not true...okay so this is probably the 3rd time. i know, most of you would say that it's boring and strange, or depressing, or that you just don't enjoy dickens. HOWEVER i just love this book. i'm not sure what it is about it, but i just love it.
as far as what i'm listening to...it's all over the place right now. little alkaline trio, an amazing bouncing souls/anti-flag split, maroon 5, modest mouse, flaming lips, death cab for cutie, jimmy eat world (their older stuff prior to bleed american), mike felumlee/dan andriano split, the chinkees, no use for a name, hi-standard, tiger army, madd caddies, u2, miles davis, OH and the soundtrack from garden state, and on and on. of course there's always a little jack, dave, and waterdeep.
and movies, movies, movies...right now hands down, no questions asked, the movie that i think everyone should see is GARDEN STATE. i don't even really want to talk much about it, i just loved it. it was....amazing. check it out, tell me what you think. tell me what you thought of the music. etc, etc.

so there ya have it. there are other things going on in life but we'll get to those later. i mean, common now, we're only getting over the whole boycotting of this thing..we'll see.

again....i'm just not spell checking anymore...takes too much time and simply discourages me from posting at all.

i should be in bed

i should be in bed. i should be asleep. i wasn't going to post. let's be honest...i don't really ever post. i'm not going to apologize again...because it will only keep hapening. this is just the reality of a blog for me. it will be sparatic. so for those few of you who read this out there...well done, and thanks for stickin' with me.

i should be in bed...i have to get up at 530 tomorrow to work, but such is life. sean is gone up to the cabin with the guys (forrest, alex, capp, mark, scott) so i am home alone. i spent the morning with sean finishing up some grocery shopping for the guys and then i spent the rest of my day with my friend terri. she is a wonderful girl, and we're ridiculously similar in the way we are. she is a true blessing in my life. we spent the day in denver not doing to much, just some window shopping (we are both poor) and got some dinner, then we just hung out here at the house. our house is a mess right now...but she doesn't care. i love when a friendship has that reality to it. terri didn't comment that my house was a mess, not because she didn't notice...but because it's not the reason she likes me. she wasn't concerned that i hadn't washed the breakfast dishes, or that my desk was overflowing, or that i had clothes all over the room. she simply plopped herself down on the bed amidst the chaos and said, "we need more days off".

i am reading a book called THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT-TIME. it's wonderful. i love it, i can't put it down. it is about an autistic boy. he is the one writing to you. i can't even begin to describe why i love it so much....but you should read it. everyone should read it. maybe you'll hate it. maybe you'll not understand. but i love it. it's real. it's life without the frills. it's not depressing, it's just real.

"All the other children at my school are stupid. Except i'm not meant to call them stupud, even though this is what they are. I'm meant to say that they have learning difficulties or that they have special needs. But this is stupid because everyone has learning difficulties because learning to speak French or understanding relativity is diffucult and also everyone has special needs, like Father, who has to carry a little packet of artificial sweetening tablets around with him to put in his coffee to stop him from getting fat, or Mrs. Peters, who wears a beige-colored hearing aid, or Siobhan, who has glasses so thick that they give you a headache if you borrow them, and none of these poeple are Special Needs.
But Siobhan said that we have to use those words because people used to call children like the children at school spaz and crip and mong, which were nasty words. But that is stupid too because sometimes the children from the school down the road see us in the street when we're getting off the bus and they shout, ' Special Needs! Special Needs!' But i don't take any notice because i don't listen to what other people say and only sticks and stones can break my bones and i have my Swiss Army knife if they hit me and if I kill them it will be self-defence and i won't go to prison. " - the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

i usually would not quote something so large...but i wanted to give you a taste. as i read the book there are moments when he just speaks the truth like above. there are moments where my heart breaks and i just wish that i could hold him. it's a book that makes me laugh out loud, and re-read to laugh again. and as quickly as i was laughing, the next moment i'm in tears. or i feel his claustrophobia, or understand the crowding of incoming information in his brain. it is an insite to autistic children like i've never seen before. a real, in their head kind of view. and i'm floored.

He talks about how he has behavioral problems. and how sometimes he use to worry that his mum and dad were going to get a divorce because they fought often and he says,
"This was because of the stress of looking after someone who has behavioral problems like i have. I used to have lots of Behavioral Problems, but i don't have so many now because i'm more grown up and i can take decisions for myself and do things on my own like going out of the hosue and buying things at the shop at the end of the road.
These are some of my Behavioral Problems:
a. not talking to people for a long time (once i didn't talk for 5 weeks.)
b. not eating or drinking anything for a long time.
c. not liking being touched
d. screaming when i am angry or confused
e. not liking being in really small places with other people
f. smashing things when i'm angry or confused
g. groaning
h. not liking yellow things or brown things and refusing to touch yellow or brown things
i. refusing to use my toothbrush if anyone else has touched it
j. not eating food if different sorts of food are touching eachother
k. not noticing that people are angry with me
l. not smiling
m. saying things that other people think are rude (People say that you always have to tell the truth. but they do not mean this because you are not allowed to tell old people that they are old and you are not allowed to tell people if they smell funny or if a grown-up has made a fart. And you are not allowed to say "I don't like you" unless that person has been horrible to you.)
n. doing stupid things
o. hitting other people
p. hating france
q. driving mother's car
r. getting cross when someone has moved the furniture

i really do need to be in bed. but here's this for what it's worth. what if we were so honest with ourselves and wrote down all our behavioral problems. are we ever that honest with ourselves?

i am not spell checking this post. i hate spell checking. makes me feel stupid.