Spring[like] Days

My lovely, lovely friend Rachel and I grabbed an impromptu espresso at The Market this morning. Quick and a bit chaotic, it didn't matter - we simply needed some face time. We talked about our lives, and about food & restaurants and about where we want to eat next. [Potager is at the top of our list, for those of you who are curious.] This family brings life to Sean and I in a way that is unique. They are honest, with hearts and souls that are ready to laugh and enjoy. 

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Rachel, the 70 degree sunshine weather, and my double espresso over ice. 

It is these mornings that will sustain me through the inevitable spring onslaught of snow and school work.

Gwenevere Scout & Lyla Starr

A few of the reasons it would be ok if Uncle Sean goes to medical school in California.

Kitchen Love

A kitchen garden is what we have now that we live in the city. And although we miss our little yard, and hope to expand this out-of-control succulent/cacti garden into an herb garden as well -  they seem to enjoy life on our kitchen windowsill. That and the love that emanates from our kitchen. Plant love, food love, music love, public radio love, baseball game love, college football love... you know - kitchen love. 

Friday Morning Breakfast In Bed

Accompanied with tower of books/texts to plow through before the weekend is over. 

Preston Howard Burdette

I will always remember the way you smelled - aftershave and doublemint gum. I am so thankful. I am so blessed. Camping trips, card games, New Years Eve parties... quite the Grandfather. 

Just look at those two. They really lived life together. 65 years! 

It will be quite the trip home to Bakersfield to mourn, to remember, to celebrate. 

In My Head.

A few of my required texts this semester

Stuck a bit in my head these days. Words are not flowing easily from head to page. Or from page to head for that matter. This semester is difficult, and it's leaving me feeling a bit wonky. My writing is becoming more repetitive, less original, and less cohesive. Everything is at a bit of a jumble. 

This may have some correlation to the films I am studying (or the 18 credits that I'm taking). Cinema of the 1970s, Film Noir and Horror films. They are all emotionally taxing, demanding, and sophisticated in a way I will never be. Not to mention the fact that the women of the 1940s can make anyone feel slovenly. It's quite the one-two punch, to feel inadequate academically and physically. Not a pity party for myself, it is just that these actors, these directors, these writers - natural aptitude pours out of them in a way that I feel I will never muster the energy for. There are those who do effortlessly, and those who work long hours to appear to do simply, effortlessly. I am the latter. 

To do all of it and to do nothing. I lean towards one while striving for the other. 

What I need is a terribly good novel, a damn good cappuccino, and a long day in the park. The winter has been mild but it has felt long. Long. Dry. Cold. I feel drained and wind-whipped.

Tickets arrived today for a concert Sean and I are attending the day after finals week ends: Flight of the Conchords with Iron & Wine and Arj Barker at the Red Rocks Amphitheater. A big deal because we really don't attend concerts. But this one, this one I need. I simply have to get myself through to 16 May, so that I can restore the pieces of my soul I feel I am losing. 

Red Rocks Amphitheater Lightening Storm

Beauty

Shalene & Kongolo

Giovanni

Sean, Jeni, Matthew

Eric & Kongolo

Jordan & Travis

Jordan & Myself

The talented Travis himself.

I can only take credit for a few of these photos. Most of them come courtesy of our new friend Travis (who is fabulous by the way). This past weekend was one beautiful montage of people. Our camera battery died, hence the stealing of photos from someone I've only just met... However, I still feel shaken by the enormity of emotions and business that took place over the past few days.

This is what it is to be blessed.

Daily

The dividing wall of books in our apartment.

At times it feels as if all my decisions are silly and inconsequential. Most often, that is quite honestly correct. And then at times they seem not only silly and inconsequential, but also unoriginal. 

It's a lot to take on all at once - foolishness, inconsequential-ness & unoriginality. 

More accurately it is probably more an issue of the wide birth of humanity. The unoriginality of it all, as melodramatic as that sounds. The coming to terms with, not only has most everyone gone through what you have, made the decisions you've made, and even made the ones you've yet to make - but they've even written about it. And some have even done that unfairly well.

I am so small, and mostly I am thankful. And often I am tired of being so silly, so small and so inconsequential. 

It is then, and before then, and after then, that I know that I will never tire of being loved.

January's Breakfast

Homemade bread with butter & honey. 

Berries covered in cream. 

Steaming fresh french press.

Mornings are simple & quiet lately. Just the way I love them.

Quarter Of A Century

Red Velvet (my absolute favorite) Cupcakes from Sprinkles, and gifts from Anthropologie.

There is a lot I would change, and a lot I hope to change. Places I hope to grow, things I hope to hold on to. Places yet to be visited, and friends yet to be discovered...

Hello 25. 

Hold 'em & Fold 'em

Poker Night. 

First a little lesson. Then a little wine. The dealing of chips. An agreement on what game should be played. The donning of a poker face. Cards shuffled. Game begins. 

Chips up, down, rolling in & whittling away. Peanuts, pizza, Swedish fish. 5 of clubs, 10 of hearts. Trail mix, popcorn. See the bet and raise it 20. Chili lime pistachios. Pair of queens! A flush! Lemon water & wine. 

Fun. That's all this was. Not in a simplistic way - in a simple, true, honest, belly laugh way. Some of us needed a night of distraction, some a night of relaxation, others simply needed to remember what it is to play. It is good and wise to surround yourself with others who allow you to play - to enjoy, to partake ... fully and without reservation. With mouths full of candy & nuts, we laughed and relished the evening, long into the morning. This is the way it is supposed to be. This is what we hope for. This is what we should be striving towards. It's not prestigious, it doesn't have a title, or letters after your name. It's friendship. And love. And joy. It is life sustaining. 

I find myself wanting to roll around, and wallow in these evenings - in this time. Glasses with puddles of wine. Pistachio shells littering the table. Empty plates and full stomachs. Full hearts. Cheeks sore with laughter.

And you thought it was just game night.

She took it all with style & a smirk - swindled us out of every last chip.

Organized Yet Unprepared

Entirely unready for another round, I brace myself for what may be the most ridiculous semester of-my-life. Panic sets in with the realization that I maybe have not made the most of every last moment of freedom. I fear I may have a breakdown before it begins. That questioning inner voice has started again, and I wonder if I have it in me to do this once more. Yet again I will sit down in ignorance, and leave with some semblance of knowledge. Roughly 3,000 hours of absorbing, digesting and regurgitating. 

Breathe. Sit. Begin. 

Saturday evening, the 10th of January, 2009.

Mayan Theater Denver, Colorado

One by one they show up. Free themselves of coats and scarves. Greetings and laughter fill the apartment. On the docket for the evening: Jerusalem Cafe & Mayan Theater. We catch up over wine and snacks, our stomachs anticipating the dinner ahead. Between sips of wine, we hear about lovers, or future lovers, or those who may never become. We talk about friends and life until finally, we are ready to head out. I had been craving this meal like a lunatic pregnant woman in her third trimester. (It's a simile, don't get your hopes up.) After a short wait in a crowded space, we fumble our way to our table. The food was divine - as it always is, without fail. Gyros, fries, onion rings, chicken & beef shawarmah, baklava... aaahh. Having eaten more than any of us should have, we waddle our way out. A short jaunt later we arrive at the Mayan Theater in the Baker District - a theater built in the 1930s, designed in the Art Deco Mayan Revival style. We found our seats and experienced a stunning performance by Sean Penn. A little shaken, and a little hopeful we collected ourselves back at home. Coats discarded, bags tossed to the wayside, shoes kicked off - we seatled down and simply let the evening wash over us.

Satisfied from the top to the tips. We were built for city life.

Mouths full of goodness - Jerusalem Cafe

Life.

Early Morning Walk In The City - Lily, Josh

A month ago our friends Lily & Josh came out to visit us. An overabundance of words could describe our time together, and our friendship. But most appropriately: laughter. I am more than thankful that these two are in our lives. They're comfortable, home - and Sean and I will always welcome the beauty that they bring.

I've been quiet for the last month for a myriad of reasons. Much has happened, and it takes time to soak it in, let it fill me up,  and settle in me. Another semester has ended in the classic tangle of books, papers, coffee breath, red eyes and exhaustion. It is a freeing feeling, the end of a semester, but I find a tense swirling sensation growing in my stomach as I dread the onslaught of another attack, I mean semester. "Like an unstoppable rebel force."

As a celebration of sorts for the end of a semester, I spent a wild and crazy evening with friends. We literally romped about the South Broadway shops, concluding with a jaw-dropping few hours at Beatrice and Woodsley. Although I somehow ended up with big head, this photo, courtesy of my beautifully talented sister-in-law Amanda (aka Ruby), really captured the evening in all of its glory. Like crazy fools we enjoyed each other, great food and even more incredible drinks. It had been too long since I had had an evening of this caliber. It was no doubt, and evening to remember. One is hard-pressed to find a group of people more ready to enjoy life and laughter in their fullest.

Sean, Deanna, Giovanni, Ruby, Jules

Our holiday was spent with my family. A whirlwind of curly blond hair, new baby and video games. I love my nieces, and after a well deserved nap for us both, Gwen and I  spent some quality time watching The Wizard of Oz (Victor Fleming, 1939). It was her first viewing, and her expression seems appropriate for the film. Lyla Starr, the newest member of the family took her first holiday in stride, and I'm sure often wondered why a small black box was being shoved in her face.

Gwenevere Scout

Lyla Starr

Since being home, Sean and I have spent time trying to recover from the past month. Yesterday, after sleeping in, we fully committed to a day of rest by watching movies in bed until four o'clock, complete with meals in bed and naps at will. 

As lovely and well deserved as it has been to rest and hide from the world, I have begun to get the itch to create, to do... to leave the apartment. In an attempt to re-socialize myself, I ventured out to the Nuggets vs. Pacers game. Although picture-less, last night was the perfect "welcome back to life" evening. I now feel somewhat ready to begin again. However, a relapse of movies in bed may not be entirely uncalled for before all is said and done.

Girl. I had to confess.

I don't really have anything to say for myself. I hope you enjoy. 

The Neighborhood

The current interaction taking place across the street, inside an apartment.

Dog:

yap yap, yap yap yap, yap yap yap

Man:

shut up.

Dog:

yap, yap yap yap yap, yap yap

Man:

Shut Up!

Dog:

yap yap yap, yap yap, yap

Man:

SHUT UP!

Dog:

yap, yap yap yap, yap yap

Man: 

SHUT THE HELL UP!

It seems they don't have the most ideal working relationship. I particularly enjoy that the man added 'hell' as if that was the key to changing the dog's behavior.

The Hair Cut

For all the Kenna lovers. For all those of you who don't get to see her as often as you once did. Eat your heart out. Twice a year (now) Kenna gets her all her hairs cut. Because she has a lot of them. Because I don't want vacuuming to be a permanent life hobby. Because she looks so cute, like a puppy.

She loves getting her photo taken, can't you tell... look how much she loves me - it's like she can't wait for this crap to be over. Total panic had set in by that point. She is terrified of the camera. Hates it. Runs to different rooms or parts of the house when the camera is taken out. Loathes the camera. HA! I love this photo, she's so unhappy about the situation.

Soda Crackers & Ginger Ale

It usually hits me - about this time, and I have the sinking feeling, that I may, possibly, never make it out of the semester alive. The panic of the enormous load of work ahead, coupled with the very short amount of time allotted to complete it, creates a sick feeling in my stomach. And that in turn creates procrastination, which in turn, creates the sick feeling in my stomach. 

My face fears that it may be permanently bathed in blue tinted light, because, until the second week of December, I will most likely spend every waking moment staring at this computer screen, hoping that some brilliant idea morphs itself into a coherent paper. And there will, no doubt, be more waking hours than sleeping hours before the storm that is finals passes over - the ominous dark cloud that it is. Maybe I should put some lambs blood on my door... Don't laugh. 

AND THEN. As if to play some cruel, cruel joke, they (the powers that be) require that you (the minion), during this overly horrible stressful time, pick out your classes for the following semester. Because, seeing that this is possibly the point in your semester that you would NOT like to think about ever coming back to this institution ever again - they (the powers) have decided that it is the opportune moment to suck you in for another round. Why? Because-you-have-no-choice. They, have the carrot. You, fool that you are, are carrot-less. Damn carrot. And then you (minion), think about taking 18 credit hours. Which causes the panic to flow more fluidly. And then, you (the minion, least you forget), thinks about the fact that you will be taking summer classes. It's never-going-to-end. 

Better be one hell of a carrot is all I have to say. One HELL of a carrot.

"That rug really tied the room together."

So much sarcasm, you say. Well. I've got nothing for you. Some days are up days and some days are not. This is of the not. School has been far better this year than ever before. But there are still days that I feel like I'm on the hamster wheel of life. Me. Hamster wheel. Life. I still question why I'm doing this. I still question the point. I question my questioning. I question my direction, or lack of direction. I question if this is simply to fulfill the requirements of American bourgeois society - to fit in. And it is. And it's not. Gray. That's my life, unclear. Still. At some point I think I believed that my life would eventually, out of a pure freak accident, line itself up, and tow some sort of line. Thus far, I've encountered lots of freak accidents (most of which caused by yours truly) and am still awaiting the towing of any line, even a broken line - dotted, Hey, I'm not picky. 

It has been a depressing week of films, which may account for my less than jovial attitude. Requiem For A Dream, The Swimmer, and Raising Arizona. All of which were preceded by 4 months, 3 weeks, 2 days, and Ghost World. Also, I am in an intensive course dealing with African American Literature - and sometimes it just all piles up on me. Not the course work, although it's hefty, but the complete and total shit that goes on, and has gone on, and will continue to go on. I don't feel hopeless or even helpless, just it-is-so-much sometimes.

Tuesday was beautiful. Indifferent to who you voted for, you can't deny the beauty of the evening. I sat with a friend and watched as the votes rolled in. Afterwards, people on the street were honking their horns, and whooping, and hollerin' and setting off firecrackers. I've never experienced so many people, so many Americans, excited and moved by politics. It was awe-inspiring. I also got to hear the voice of our friend who is over in Kenya - who I was missing, and wishing she could be here with us. Watching and listening to Americans celebrate their President-Elect was redeeming, as was watching people all-over-the-freakin'-world celebrate with us. 

It is nice, at least for a moment, to not feel hate bearing down on us from all sides of the globe. 

pictured: Our bedcover, not a rug. 

Miss Scarlet, In the Dining Room, With The Knife.