Cumberland Island

it's been difficult to come back to real life...

ugly day

... and it wasn't even my attitude that was ugly this time.

so sometimes, you wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, leave for class and realize about 5 seconds into the class that you quite completely, honestly and truly hate what you've decided to put on that day. not in like a "this just isn't my favorite outfit" kind of way, but it's more a "oh dear good god, what on earth ever possessed me to purchase these hideous pieces of cotton???!?" i am getting my hair cut tomorrow, so today of course i hated it more than i usually do. AND THEN to top it all off, i was all bundled up because the news people said it was going to snow....not only did it now snow... I HAD TO TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING.
if you're wondering if sweating profusely, on top of hating your hair & completely loathing your choice of "non-fashion", makes you feel better about yourself ... it doesn't. now you just smell. (and the afore mentioned hideous shirt might just have also been heather gray, so it's clear to the world that you've overdressed & are now paying the price.)

i went shopping after class today.

the only thing to dread now is the fact that at some point in the near future i'm sure to be sitting somewhere wearing the exact clothes that i so desperately love and bought today thinking, "oh dear good god, what on earth ever possessed me to purchase these hideous pieces of cotton???!?" and the cycle shall repeat.

simply lovely

Juno, you were superb. Superb my friend. Almost instantly you were true to my heart. You were a beautiful, lovely and honest film and I will think of you often.

Sean & I will be headed to Corridor 44 for Restaurant Week this year. I am looking forward to eating incredible food, drinking champagne, getting all dressed up & discovering new reasons why I am incredibly blessed in this marriage. Tonight while watching House a character voiced something I have always felt - that the more you know someone the more you should love them. That you shouldn't love them as much as the day you married them, but more than the day you married them. As you know them more, you love them more. You find more of the beauty in them and you forgive more of the ugly.

Agenda: Amante

today i will be spending a few hours...let's be modest and say...five hours, with my good friends the endocrine & circulatory systems. only to be followed up by my buddies the prokaryotes, eukaryotes and the accomplishments of many dead biologists.
however to take a bit of the bite out of what can only be thought of as perhaps the worst way to spend one's thursday afternoon i will be studying at Amante in north boulder. i do truly loathe anatomy & physiology II, but i feel once that cappuccino hits my sweet little hand life will seem a little bit better.
on a good note however, i have found that not only did i really enjoy chemistry, but i am now honestly enjoying microbiology. i'm glad for biology that it's finally restoring it's self worth in my eyes.

sweet indulgence.

homemade mango salsa, a glass of wine & boston legal ... savoring the last few days of vacation.

awake...a little too long?

sean worked christmas eve night in the E.D., which apparently was crazy [worked 13 hours straight, no breaks, not enough beds for patients, etc.], and then came home christmas morning, stuffed my stocking, showered & headed out with me for a day of family christmas festivities. [no time for sleeping]
we had cinnimon sticky buns & coffee at his parent's house, then drove up with them and amanda & ross to the Stanley Hotel [home of the shining] for an amazing brunch, or what we might refer to after this as "christmas gluttony".
we finished up the evening by watching part of home alone & relaxing on the couch. however..maybe sean should have just gone to sleep? we were both exhausted, but had a wonderful christmas day.

merry christmas

few changes this year from years past. a small christmas gift to sean was to allow all childhood ornaments to adorn our tree this year. in truth i don't really have anything against said ornaments, but in the past we've had a larger tree and there simply weren't enough of them to really "decorate" a tree. so it ended up looking like a bad arts & crafts phase had erupted and sneezed an awkwardly small amount of home-made ornaments onto our tree. also there is the balance that must be kept in our house between sean's complete lack of organization and my crazed love of organization. clearly, we're both a bit extreme (in a fit of excitement one night i organized our bathroom cupboards with bins and labeled everything...it was awesome). with the purchase of a smaller tree this year, all parties involved were happy with the outcome. or happier...

really all of this pales in comparison to the letter i received from the university of colorado on friday evening. as of december 10th of this year i had officially completed all of my prerequisites for the Bachelor of Science in Dental Hygiene program at CU. my application had been sent in this past june & i was simply waiting to hear about my status and whether or not i had been accepted to the next phase of the application process, the interview. interviews were scheduled to begin in january and go through march. however, there's been a little kink in the process...

on friday evening sean picked up our mail, walked over to me, and handed me a envelope from the University of Colorado at Denver and Health Sciences Center, School of Dentistry. we were both a little nerves assuming that this was the letter informing me as to whether or not i had made it to the interviewing phase of the application. i open the envelope and began reading. sean was trying to read my facial expression, knowing that i should know my fate after the first sentence or two. however, i continued to read looking more and more confused, then just started to say, "what?! what?!?". sean asked what was going on and i said, "they've decided to shut down the program, and will not be accepting any students for the summer 2008 term..."

so if you find you're a bit bamboozled as to what it is i'm saying here's the bushi - i've been neither accepted NOR rejected ... there is simply NO LONGER A SCHOOL for me to be accepted or rejected BY!

deadlines for other dental hygiene programs are january 1, dental hygiene programs which are associate programs, not bachelor programs. i simply cannot get a complete application together in time, also added that i am leaving the state on the 26th and won't be home again until january 11. it is doubtful how helpful CU is going to be considering that i never have been, now most likely never will be a student of theirs, and i need them to forward on applications and transcripts, letters of recommendation, etc. all this on top of the fact that the prerequisites are different for the schools i now need to apply to, and am learning that there are more classes i need to complete at a ridiculously fast pace. anyone up for Human Anatomy & Physiology II this summer? and never mind the fact that i now cannot get my licensing and bachelors degree at the same time. i now have to finishing this schooling (another 2 to 3 years, then go back and finish my bachelors, another 2 years at least...if going full time, which is doubtful...so lets say another 4.) so basically i am looking at it taking me 10 years to complete my bachelors degree & to be licensed as a dental hygienist, instead of 5 years. it's bushi.

now begins the scramble.

Lia Charlotte Oldroyd

so i was eaten alive by finals week. i've finished now, and have sufficiently put up enough posts to update you on life for the past month and 1/2. so keep on scrolling, there are quite a few new ones. however, i REALLY couldn't leave this little bit unmentioned...

LIA CHARLOTTE OLDROYD
born: 28 November 2007
weight: 9lbs. 5oz.
length: 22in.

also, i should probably mention that she's not ours...she is our new niece. miss lia and i will be spending a lot of time together this next semester. i am going to be lia's nanny three days a week. yeah, basically that doesn't suck. at all.

dinner with friends

tomorrow i am making dinner for eight. just thought that i would let y'all know what you're missing.

[Appetizer]
Fresh Fig, Basil & Parma Ham Sarnie

Smoked Salmon, Lemon & Creme Fraiche Sarnie
Raw Beet, Horseradish & Feta Salad


[Soup]
Roasted Mushroom & Truffle Soup


[Main]
Slow Cooked Shoulder of Lamb with Roasted Vegetables
Maple Caramelized Carrots with Orange & Herb


[Dessert]
Orange & Cardamom English Cream
Molten Chocolate Cake

for caitlin

- i wish the ring had never come to me. i wish none of this had happened.
- ... so do all who live see such times. but that is not for them to decide. all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. there are other forces at work in this world Frodo besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that, is an encouraging thought.

i'm not a crazed lord of the rings fan, but this bit seemed so fitting. sometimes i'm so overwhelmed by the evil around and so underwhelmed by the good. consumed by the moment, the here and now, what i can see before me, the present. i find myself also wanting to say "i wish none of this had happened". but somewhere there is an encouraging thought. today cait, you are my encouraging thought.

that's right sucka, she is that cute.

late but nonetheless important. pictures of my brother's daughter from our family vacation to vegas for my papa's 60th birthday.

attic house

i don't know if we have a particular style of decorating, but if we do i would call it "attic". the picture above is from a dresser in our bedroom filled with books, sean's grandfather's typewriter, a CD player, an old radio clock. the rest of our house is a mish-mash of old quilts and blankets, lamps...none of which match. our furniture wasn't picked for it's decorative-ness, it was mostly given to us. my husband is also a "keeper". it's an inherited trait. his grandfather had it, his mother has it... this trait is the reason we have a box full of football cards, an old boyscout uniform, walkmans that may or may not work any longer, shoes that no longer fit him, and boxes and boxes of pictures. most of the time when i look around our house i feel as though i live in a grandparent's attic. odds-n-ends, funny bits of things that you've never seen before, antiques, a tin full of buttons, dusty books and pictures of family history. an attic house never quite looks clean - always a bit out of sorts...but it's home.

All Hallows Eve

we celebrated two nights early (sean's working the next two nights). popcorn, hot coco, pumpkin carving, ghostbusters & roasted pumpkin seeds. perfect. maybe my favorite night of the year.

i feel badly for you if you don't enjoy wes anderson.

adrian brody's sunglasses were superb during this film. as always the music - brilliant. the next time i'm sick i think that i would like to watch wes anderson movies on a loop.

candle snuffers

Peter: what did you bring me over here for? But this is absurd it's just a dog.

JM Barrie: Just a dog? Just?? Porthos don't listen to him. Porthos dreams of being a bear and you want to dash those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle snuffing word. That's like saying he can't climb that mountain he's just a man. Or that's not a diamond, it's just a rock. Just...

Peter: Fine then turn him into a bear. If you can.

JM Barrie: With those eyes my bonny lad, I'm afraid you'd never see it.
from Finding Neverland

Sometimes I feel the world is so full of candle snuffers that I'm all alone.

the past few days: holy mole

sean spent most of monday evening pacing around the living room and leaning on the couch in a nervous frenzy, but it was all relieved when holliday scored the winning run in the 13th? inning [even if he did not actually touch home plate ... technicality].

tuesday evening i made a fennel & sweet potato cream soup and sean had made his first list of possible med schools to be narrowed down. so after dinner we sat at the table, ate hot chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven & talked about where we might live next: philadelphia, maine, new york, south carolina, california, oregon, tennessee, d.c., chicago, washington, iowa ...

this morning i had a doctors appointment and was given a hep. b shot & a tetanus shot in the same arm, which left me with dead arm all day. as a bonus it also sent me into a drug induced sleep comma...i awoke a few hours later with amazing pillow creases all over my face.

superstitions.

i'm not going to say anything because i don't want to jinx it. i'm not even going to think it.

...but what if!

october...

one game back.
if they make it, i'm sure that my grades will suffer. and what the heck does manny corpas write in the dirt before he pitches? he used to make me very nervous, but lately he has been just beautiful.
now we just hope that the padres will be too demoralized to win any more games and that the phillies hit a terrible rut...

last night of summer

last friday night we parked up on pine on the west end, and walked down to pearl street. past the old victorian & craftsman houses, over the cracked sidewalks & past small, overgrown alleyways. walked into nick-n-willy's and ordered a few slices of pizza and sat outside at one of two tables on the sidewalk under the big old tree. we talked about restaurants & how much we liked the west end, how it still felt like an old neighborhood & not pretentious. it was one of those evenings. sun falling behind the flatirons, the sidewalk still warm from the afternoon, but there was a cool wind stirring up & the leaves were starting to turn. a last night of summer night. after pizza we decided to take a little look-see into the west end wine shop across the way, then we turned to walk down pearl street towards the heart of downtown, the pearl street mall. then, in the distance we heard unmistakably, a marching band playing. all of a sudden we were surrounded by the entire university of colorado football team & marching band. the team was throwing small gold footballs out to the kids in the gathering crowd & people were dancing & clapping & cheering for CU. at some point during this i looked at sean and said, "...what town are we in?" once the parade had passed, we continued on past street performers, and i stopped into a coffee shop for an americano. as we walked back up the mall sean bought a hotdog from the vendor on the mall and we sat on a bench and listened to a man dressed up like it was the old west, playing his banjo. it was a completely perfect end of summer night. surreal & enchanting. the way that summer should leave you... ready for change, but clinging to the memories.

you probably didn't know

...that using mustard greens instead of lettuce makes one heck of a sandwich.

i love you

"So many impossible things have already happened in this life. He doesn't think twice when she tells him to get ready: He's about to get a haircut.

He sits in the chair in the upstairs room, the room they sometimes joke and refer to as the library. There's a window there that gives light. Snow's coming down outside as newspapers go down around his feet. She drapes a big towel over his shoulders. Then gets out her scissors, comb, and brush.

This is the first time they've been alone together in a while - with nobody going anywhere, or needing to do anything. Not counting the going to bed with each other. That intimacy. Or breakfasting together. Another intimacy. They both grow quiet and thoughtful as she cuts his hair, and combs it, and cuts some more. The snow keeps falling outside. Soon, light begins to pull away from the window. He stares down, lost and musing, trying to read something from the paper. She says, "Raise your head." And he does. And then she says, "See what you think of it." He goes to look in the mirror, and it's fine. It's just the way he likes it, and he tells her so.

It's later, when he turns on the porchlight, and shakes out the towel and sees the curls and swaths of white and dark hair fly out onto the snow and stay there, that he understands something: He's grownup now, a real, grownup, middle-aged man. When he was a boy, going with his dad to the barbershop, or even later, a teenager, how could he have imagined his life would someday allow him the privilege of a beautiful woman to travel with, and sleep with, and take his breakfast with? Not only that - a woman who would quietly cut his hair in the afternoon in a dark city that lay under snow 3000 miles away from where he'd started. A woman who could look at him across the table and say, "It's time to put you in the barber's chair. It's time somebody gave you a haircut."'

A Haircut
by Raymond Carver

i love you seany. happy anniversary.

opinions

i'm thinking about moving to a wordpress site...thoughts?

soundtrack to my life

it's ever-changing. but these days spoon has really been doing it for me. this past thursday kenna and i simply lied down on the floor and listened. we were a little overwhelmed with life. it helped.

hey little girl.

this past may i spent time with my family in california. gwen-scout [my niece] & i spent a lot of time together. we practiced balancing things on her head...she's good. she also spent a good amount of time "riding-like-hell" on a dora the explorer car @ the park in laguna beach. unfortunately, there was no dora car for myself...or i would have raced her. and won.

leave us speachless

poverty. is so hard to see. when it's only on your tv, or twenty miles across town. where we're all livin' so good, that we moved out of Jesus' neighborhood. where's he's hungry and not feelin' so good, from going through our trash. he says more than just your cash and coin i want your time i want your voice, i want the things you just can't give me. so what must we do? here in the west we want to follow you. we speak the language and we keep all the rules, even a few we made up. come on and follow me, but sell your house, sell your SUV, sell your stocks, sell your security, and give it to the poor. well what is this? hey what's the deal? i don't sleep around and i don't steal. but i want the things you just can't give me. i want the things you just can't give me. because of what you do to the least of these, my brothers you have done it to me. because i want the things you just can't give me. i want the things you just can't give me.

rich young ruler
derek webb

scattered, un-developed thoughts.

i really like moleskines.
i enjoyed the fact that my chem II professor recalled our first week of class as a "real killer".
i'm officially ready for fall to begin & for summer to leave.
someone that i worked with today looked at me and said quite enthusiastically, "i'm ready for a monsoon!" i held my tongue and didn't say disgustedly, "what? who says that??"
i think i'm done with, this something...whatever it's been. i'm going to st. john's tomorrow.
today i cursed myself for having cut my hair.
i've been wearing the same glasses since my senior year in high school. they're terrible.
i discovered, only this evening, that my cousin luke has a beard.
i think that i actually dislike cordless phones.
i wish that we lived closer to my brother & his wife & my niece.
i may stop by the kitchen for a croissant tomorrow.
today's been a fairly sad day. i hope that tomorrow is better.

since kindergarten

here's to bath tubs full of jello, to painting play houses, to playing make-believe, to hours of dancing, watching erie indiana & are you afraid of the dark, to swimming & slip-in-slide, summers in the "junk yard" and tumble weed houses. happy belated birthday lildra j, i love the girl you were, i love the woman you have become. it's been quite a ride for eighteen years...here's to eighteen more.

a motion to the floor

i really think that sean should start back up with his typepad site. anyone to second that motion?

also, sadly i did fail to mention that one of my favorite parts of our florida excursion was our time in ybor city, where i watched and listened as sean talked with an 80 year old man from cuba while he rolled cigars. he'd been rolling cigars since he was 14 years old.

withlacoochee & chiggers ... ding. dang. doosie.

i've been trying for weeks to post something about our trip to florida. but there are just no words for our time there.
i hope that these photos give you at least a glimps of our many, many adventures.

like you didn't notice

robert di nero is h-o-t hot in the godfather: part II

what? honestly...a break please. from myself.

earlier in the week i was stalked/almost ran over by a 25 year old hippie driving a brand new audi, which pissed me off on a myriad of levels.
yesterday at work a man dumped the cappuccino i had just made him into the trashcan, brought back the mostly empty cup and told me, "excuse me girl. would you put some foam on this. the other foam had coffee mixed in with it. i don't like brown foam. have you ever made this before?" to which i really wanted to answer, "yes you little shit."
i've been house sitting a lot this summer. this week i managed to lock myself out of the house. car keys, house keys inside. phone inside. dogs & myself outside. the dogs kept giving me a look that i translated to "great. now we're stuck outside with this moron." i spent quite a while contemplating breaking a window before my logical self explained sardonically, "you don't have any money with which to replace said broken window. plus, doubtful you could break it without causing some sever trauma or death to yourself." basically it just ended with me having to go from neighbor to neighbor explaining that i was the brilliant person that locked myself out of the house and "do you happen to have their cell phone number? or a key?" one of my favorite things to do in life. knock on strangers doors to explain my inadequacies in handling even the simplest of tasks.
while on my way to hang out at pekoe & read i was stuck behind someone who had the audacity to place a bumper sticker on their giant SUV that read...and i kid you not..."PROUD PARENT OF A VEGAN HONOR STUDENT". what the? i was extremely tempted to ask the "proud parent" if they thought the lack of protein was responsible for their child's brain power. "you see mom...i got a C in math because i ate the steak last night...if only you would feed me vegan meals."
i've been reading anne lamott for the last few days and today i read, "A woman i know says, for her morning prayer, 'Whatever,' and then for the evening, 'Oh well'". That's about what mine have sounded like lately. I am okay with that right now.

also. a giant boulder fell from the rock barrier that leads down to our front door. it's now been there for days because it's so heavy that sean & our landlord are physically unable to move it. so we've just been stepping/jumping over it to "walk" into our house. clearly amos isn't pleased with the situation either.

summer time

one of many trips to the ballpark this summer. a much needed break from school & work. i love summer.

coming soon...

i'm sure that sean & i will see the new harry potter movie when it comes out. but more importantly we'll probably go with these two....& maybe we'll make him sign autographs.

magic 8 ball

my view as kenna and i played with the cat in our backyard this evening.
preemptive responses to your questions: 1] yes our "yard" is huge. 2] yes, that is part of the pond in said yard. 3] most likely i contracted west nile while taking this picture. when i asked the magic 8 ball, it replied, "Signs Point To Yes", i suppose i can be thankful that the response wasn't "It Is Decidedly So."

the stresses of everyday life

clearly, life's demands have been too much for him lately. keeping up with his bug killing quota has simply taken a toll on his young body...that or he's still wiped out from killing the atomic sized rat.

conundrum

i am part native american. actual part, as in my dad's grandfather was the real deal. my dad & his brothers and sisters used to beg him to do rain dances in their backyard when he would come to visit. my pops is also irish. my mother is english & welsh [& lots of other bits of european i'm sure]. so at times i can't help but think, "am i the oppressor? or the oppressed?" at some point my friend posted about the fact that every white person is an oppressor & a colonizer [that's is badly summarized, read her statement here.]
and ever since i read that post of hers i have thought to myself, "would i say that i am those things?"
i am those things, and i am not those things.

you'd never guess

that often i am awoken by the voice of johnathan capp saying, "wake-y, wake-y, eggs & bake-y, get up, rise & shine. Wooooo!"
[it's sean's alarm clock]

a bit more like home

baseball seasons makes colorado feel a bit more like home for me each summer. the dodgers will always be my team. always. however, i must admit that i have found a favorite on the rockies team. jeff "baby face" francis.
it's sad when you're favorite is a pitcher however, because they're not always going to play. but he is by far my favorite for the rockies. my other favorites are Kazuo Matsui & ryan "fancy face" spilborghs.

afternoon thunderstorms

i don't have much to write about them. i just like them. i tried writing a whole montage about my childhood and such, including some heartwarming story about rainstorms. but really...i just like them. they make me laugh, no explanation why. the same way roller coasters do, but for different reasons i'm sure.
i have decided to not take any classes this summer and so i am looking forward to a calm, relaxing summer of afternoon thunderstorms...or if it's not calm and relaxing...maybe i'll have a summer like in the burbs, full of adventure...spying on neighbors & suspecting them of murder. i mean isn't that how all those movies start? with someone planning on having a great "relaxing time" like beatlejuice or funny farm. man, how completely awesome would that summer be; a mixture of the burbs, beatlejuice & funny farm.
other random thought: perhaps people walk around with their iPod permanently connected to their head because they wish...like so many, that their life could come with a soundtrack. i mean, it's pretty close you gotta admit.

secret...

i love hostess cupcakes.
it's finals week. this week i have 3 finals, 1 unit test and one presentation. so i bought hostess cupcakes. no they're not good for you. and yes i like the fact that they don't exactly taste like chocolate. they taste like a hostess cupcake. not like any actual real food. so when you ask yourself, "how will she get through finals?" you may now answer yourself, "with lots of coffee, tea, and hostess cupcakes."
also, i find that during finals week there's just never enough time. i'm sure something all college students experience. however i find myself freaking out "what? i just checked my e-mail for 30 minutes?!? that's 30 minutes i've lost now! i'm going to be up forever. the rest of my LIFE! i'll never sleep again!" [a real charlie brown moment y'know? lots of screaming with your face toward the ceiling & arms hanging heavily by your sides as if the world is too much.]
just gotta make it until monday at 700pm. it's like a mantra. monday @ 7...monday @ 7...

not so bad

it's supposed to be about 70 today.
i am going to take the dog on a run, do some laundry, spend some time in the garden getting things ready for the spring and also some time studying for my classes this afternoon.

...did i mention that my brother's family is just lovely?

this is what happens when you stick your nose where it doesn't belong.

[below] you get fatty face...

[above] what she normally looks like

[don't worry she is now on medication...however it was quite a long day. when she appeared in the kitchen at 600am with puffy face sean said sleepily, "why does her face look swollen?" i said, "because it is."]

brilliant

my husband is brilliant. besides the fact that he was a professional cook for years, and now is a pre-med student, today he made me two loaves of homemade whole wheat bread, and gave me a fabulous hair cut. brilliant.

sickened.

i just finished reading a post about Princeton Theological Seminary's lack of care for "sustainability", and the accompanying comments. you can check it out here. mostly after reading the last comment i was outraged, sickened. felt like screaming and crying all at the same time. what is the church doing? what are we doing? the last comment i read was this ["ringo" responding to another person's comment directed at him]:

"Second, Ringo, a Christian institution is never just a business. The real question is: How complicit does the church have to be in a humanitarian disaster before receiving due blame?"

[Ringo responds], "Well, how complicit does the church have to be until we have completely abandoned the gospel of Jesus Christ for political action and environmental issues? Then, instead of millions hungry, we will have billions in the dark about Jesus Christ. Both are important….but, again, I think we need to have our priorities straight."

...what does it matter if billions are in the dark about Jesus Christ if they're already dead? and yes we do need to have our priorities straight. but i'm pretty sure that saving people's lives was pretty high on Christ's list. but whatever. keep preaching to them, i'm sure that will help their hunger and disease brought on by our sin & abuse of the earth. continue to tell them about the loaves and fishes, because that might "feed" their souls.

honestly....
i am not saddened by this, i am disgusted. it makes me want to throw up. that "christian's" would honestly allow themselves to believe that caring about the environment and the people in it and the consequences of our actions are not important or have any bearing or effect on our faith, and actions, or that it is a "liberal" issue. that's shit, it's a human issue. what about "the least of these" what about the responsibility we have because we have been "given" all of this? what about the fact that if God spent time creating this he probably cared about it also? but i suppose that too is an inconvenient truth for some of us.

i love the fog, i hate the snow

nothing

honestly. nothing to write. but really, truly, honestly i have fixed the commenting problem. i think.

unceremoniously

iTunes has apparently shut itself down on our computer. fabulous. so i went looking for another musical device so that i could get some inspiration for writing something of interest. i didn't find anything of interest, however i did find myself.
my iPod was in my purse, inside my bag. however to get there i pulled out a scarf, gloves still covered with london grime, umbrella, bags of unopened tea, sunglasses, a bag of peanuts, regular glasses with an old outdated prescription, tampons, chemistry textbook, planner, bottle of gatorade, notebooks, endless amounts of chapsticks, two novels, my lab manual...it doesn't really end. as i sat on the floor with this surrounding me i thought, "this is me." like bits of me just landed abruptly and unceremoniously on the floor.
don't confuse this with being prepared. this afternoon i arrived for chemistry and realized that i hadn't brought any paper. which if you're being honest just really makes you think, "well shit." never mind the fact that i had the means to make hot tea, or have a delightful snack, or fully prepared for another freak blizzard. but paper? for my five hour chemistry class. no. that i don't have. so i look at the poor sap sitting next to me. it's at this point that i find myself thinking "someday. somday i'll be the one that has it all together. but today, is the day i ask for paper."
man, i mean you would think that simply by freak mathematical probability that eventually i would have to arrive a put together person every once in a while. the upside. it's thursday. my favorite day. thursdays mean the weekend. thursdays mean drinks and dinner with amanda and ross. they include dogs running a muck in the house, and the office and grey's. laughter and games. i like thursdays. there are many parts of my life that are creating a horrid tightening & churning of my stomach as of late. but thursdays....they're better.

an apology and kind of a funk

first off. i'm not sure what was happening with the comments on my blog, but i feel i have fixed the problem. i hope. we'll see. here is my formal apology for the lack of your ability to comment on my blog. i hope in the future to operate in a much more professional manner.

today we are going down to denver. i have nothing to do down there but sean is going to talk to his chemistry professor about doing research or something. i plan to wonder around downtown probably stop at a coffee shop, or bookstore and mill about aimlessly.
today has been quiet. i woke up to the dog eating cookies. obviously that wasn't supposed to happen. then i made myself breakfast. a fried egg sandwich, coffee and a bellini. and ate it while watching life aquatic.
i wish i had something moving to write about, or even something interesting. but i'm feeling drained today. not empty or depressed, just drained.
last night i sat on our kitchen chair staring into the fridge trying to figure out something to eat for dinner. sean walked in, kinda smiled and said, "oh no, you're demoralized" i felt demoralized.
so here's to today. here's hoping that it's better than yesterday.
"if i was cyring, in the van, with my friend, it was for freedom. from myself and from the land. i made a lot of mistakes. i made of lot of mistakes."

the examples given for labels for this post are "e.g. scooters, vacation, fall" most making sense. but scooters? i mean i publish a lot of completely inane posts, but scooters. i haven't gotten to that point yet. a whole post about scooters...man, i don't even know where to start with that.

because growing up is scary.

i don't hope that one day i could write this well. i am simply thankful that this woman can write so well. so very very thankful.

From "The House on Mango Street" by Sandra Cisneros
chapter: The Family of Little Feet
"Hurray! Today we are Cinderella because our feet fit exactly, and we laugh at Rachel's one foot with a girl's grey sock and a lady's high heel. Do you like these shoes? But the truth is it is scarey to look down at your foot that is no longer yours and see attached a long long leg."

it seems so inadequate. but all i can say is, me too....me too.

flowers

everyone always talks about the seasons of your life. and how you'll look back and you'll laugh. or that you will remember with fondness the days when you had no money. i don't doubt that i'll won't remember this time in our lives. but no one ever decides to continue on with life without money. without their security. a month ago someone asked me what we were living on. did we just have a large savings that we were falling back on. "nope. just feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing" is all i can say. that always meets people well. they love to hear that. "oh that's great" they'll say "how good of you" well it may be great and well for someone but not them is really what they're saying. because sometimes you finish paying a few bills and there's ninty-seven dollars in your bank account. and rent is due in weeks and presents to buy and phone bills and, and, and. and y'know sometimes you stop and ask yourself. when is that time? when is it that i'm supposed to look back and think this was fun? when is it that this becomes nostalgic? when does it cross over from terrifying to "that crazy time in life". because i'm waiting and i don't see the light.
it seems like a very memorable time in life, but memorable like natural disasters are memorable. not like your 5th birthday party, or your wedding day. but hey. it's fun right? we'll have stories. and we'll get to tell our kids, and we'll remember when we ate pizza for every meal. except for that's just it. we don't eat pizza for every meal. it costs too much. so no i don't think this turns out to be one of those times. i don't think you look back on this and smile. i think you look back and say "thank God it's over". because if it were so fascinatingly fantastic you would be writing this post. but you're not, because it's not a time anyone ever wants to re-visit or re-live.

someday there will be flowers in the window...but i will not look back on this fondly. i will not yearn for this time of life again.

...a complaint, a surprise, a bit of a who's who

a few reasons i don't like my school:
1) it smells like a movie theater. a great smell for a movie theater...odd for a college. it smells this way because they are always popping popcorn. again. i know you're thinking "i wish.." no. stop. you don't wish. it's odd.
2) i don't know that more teal and purple could have fit into a building. it's as if you've stepped into some horrid dream circa 1990 and you can't ever seem to leave.
3) i feel as if i am in college day care.
4) the bathrooms smell WAY worse than any bathroom in any school i've ever attended.
5) i have been there for almost 2 years now, and i still get lost...it's not big, it's mostly as if you are in a very badly put together maze...with lots of teal and purple.
6) there are no windows in my classrooms. my high school didn't have windows either. honestly...who's against the window? really...is there someone out there sitting around thinking of what would be the best environment, the one most conducive to learning and they thought "OH, a windowless world of teal and purple! THAT will get these kids thinking!"
7) it is located in the suburbia of suburbia land. it's nowhere.

however, i have learned that i really do like chemistry. honestly. it is now 2:50am and i just finished doing my chemistry homework (not because of procrastination, simply bad timing..only got it yesterday) but i was enjoying it....enjoying it and surprised when i looked at the clock that it was almost 3 am (i was lost in the fun). i could sit about doing chemistry all day long and i would enjoy it. everything fits into nice neat boxes, it follows clear rules, you sit around and manipulate and manipulate and then WHALA! perfect. incredibly satisfying.
also we're supposed to get a blizzard tonight? my A&P teacher who never speaks to me, and i'm not sure knows my name informed me of this when i walked in the door tonight. first thing the man's ever said to me. odder than odd. but hey, y'know, i've got that.

and humm...i'm not sure you've met my cousin MRS. ANNE C. GROVES! it was beautiful. pictures and stories to come.
for now....i'll leave you with the teal and purple popcorn suburbia, chemistry loving and a blizzard. i mean, what else is there really? and i'm not spell checking...it's begun to depress me once again.

my lunch

...because sometimes you need a really good meal. i made homemade onion rings with a blue cheese/cayenne pepper sauce, and a hot dog with mustard. ohh man, it was good. i had to go with this picture because the camera battery died. the whole thing was made and consumed within 45 minutes...now on to the endless hours of studying.

pictures from our walk

two wake ups

on mondays, wednesday and thrusday sean has to get up at 600am to leave the house between 700 & 730 to catch the bus down to denver. i try on most of these mornings to get up with him as well even though on mondays and wednesdays i don't have class until 300pm. but i figure "this will be good...i'll get things done...i'll have a morning...i love the morning." alas...mostly i fail at waking up with him, but i usually get up about the time he's leaving. this morning however was a whole different bunch of bananas.
i woke up between 500 & 545am (i never looked at a clock) but i woke up to a HUGE and incredibly loud crashing and banging sound in the bathroom. which startled both sean and i. apparently sean thought that i had fallen on my way to the bathroom (not that i've ever done that before) and so in response (he tells me hours later) he wanted to make sure i was okay, he wanted to check that i was still in bed. so literally maybe 2 seconds after the horrible crash awakening (heart still beating quickly...and still very sleepy) sean swings his arm over and hits me straight in the face. all i could say was, "ugh." and sean immediately starts apologizing profusely and without stopping, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." almost as if he has no power to stop himself from apologizing. he couldn't stop saying it.
so after the whole hub-ub i settle down and try to get back to sleep....to no avail. to top it all of...now i have to get up and go to the bathroom. return to bed...still can't sleep. sean of course is totally passed out. i lie there for a bit and then alarms start going off...and finally sean gets up to go shower. and i think, "i'll just try and sleep for a few hours more." and then the cat outside starts scratching the glass on the door with his claws, which makes kenna whimper and stare at me...ENOUGH. i was awake.
get up, feed the cat, make coffee...drink some orange juice. eat breakfast and sit down to watch a bit of the today show. sean leaves around 730 and i lie down on the couch for "just 30 minutes" i tell myself. i awake at 1000am...alas, the second wake up.
here's to the day!

however. here's what i saw out our front door when i opened it to feed the cat and let the dog out....not so bad.

too late

this weekend i did none...NONE of the massive load of homework i needed to do. i had plenty of time, but yet again was not only completely frozen by inescapable fear and procrastination but also by a cold. i spend the whole day today except for about 3 hours on the couch watching mythbusters and sleeping. now the weekend is over and i feel like crap because i didn't get any of my grandiose notions of doing all my homework and studying done...finding myself going into this week feeling confidant and put together (not as if that's EVER happened...but i still hold on to the hope that it will. i hold on like mold that holds on to your left overs.)
well here's to another week of flying by the seat of my pants, being frazzled, late and overwhelmed. and yet somehow i've even paid to feel this way. this is quite the incomprehensible system we have created.
i had a hot dog, just the dog..no bun, and chocolate chips for dinner...odd, and clearly not my best creation. sean is one of those people who will put the hot dog in a piece of bread if we have no hot dog buns....i am not. no bun...no nothin'. honestly, a piece of bread...a tortilla...whatever it's not the same.
i also vowed today to get to bed by at least 1100pm. it is now 1132. enough.
honestly if all i have to complain about is that i was lazy and that i ate a hot dog for dinner i realize..what kind of moron am i? well if nothing else i'm at least a consistent moron. here's to that. cheers.

the familiar

in our living room/everything room we have a table that holds slots for our mail, coming up wedding invitations and a few pictures. below this table is where sean loves to stack things. sean loves to stack things everywhere in life but especially he loves to stack things on his desk and under this table. the other day i looked over and there was a stack of cooking books including the new professional chef, jamie's dinners by jamie oliver, and professional vegitarian cooking. on top of that was a prehospital emergency care text book, followed by a current issue of the onion, then a repair manual for mummsy (our volvo), and the crowning glory, the thursday issue of the new york times. sitting next to this large stack, an ECG/EKG text book.
mostly this just made me smile. it is not so much a summing up of who he is. it's not that these things define who sean is, but is part of who he is. he's a cook, a student, and an avid reader of everything. the pile is still sitting under the table because i've learned that if i clean it up, it will only find it's way back there.
...perhaps a picture to come

i agree...

the other day shalene posted about "what if". it was beautiful. and it made me think about anne lamott's plan b. mostly about this bit:

"I called [my friend] Father Tom back. He listened quietly. I asked him for some good news. He thought. 'Well,' he said finally. 'My cactuses are blooming. Last week they were ugly and reptilian, and now they are bursting with red and pink blossoms. They don't bloom every year, so you have to love them while they're here.'
'I hate cactuses,' I said. 'I want to know what to do. Where we even start.'
'We start by being kind to ourselves. We breathe, we eat. We remember that God is present wherever people suffer. God's here with us when we're miserable, and God is there in Iraq. The suffering of innocent people draws God close to them. Kids hit by U.S. bombs are not abandoned by God.'
'Well, it sure looks like they were,' I said. 'It sure looks that way to their parents.'
'It also looked like Christ had been abandoned on the cross. It looked like a win for the Romans.'
'How do we help? How do we not lose our minds?'
'You take care of the suffering.'
'I can't get to Iraq.'
'There are folks who are miserable here.'"

i admit i have failed, have also missed the point.... but i wonder what if we spent as much time caring for the suffering here as we did complaining about the administration or the war or everything else we've found to complain about with this government? what if...

honesty

what the hell do you write about when you have an anniversary? probably you don't start with writing hell. well i suppose you write about how the honeymoon is really over now, or how about you know the person inside and out. i suppose i feel as if the honeymoon is over, i dunno. i'm still happy, what does that mean? i have no answer. i think i like that. i like that i have no answer. i think that's why i hate school. i am completely content to simply have no answer. i think that scares people. they want to know. are they right? are they wrong? who's right and why? why weren't they right? maybe so that they'll be right next time. well this is marriage and unless this guy who sleeps next to me kicks the bucket i don't plan on having a next time, so i'm okay with no answer.
we both had class last night on our anniversary. i got home a little before 930pm. we had popcorn and ice cream and champagne and watch studio 60 on the sunset strip followed by the daily show. i realize this may sound extremely depressing. but it wasn't. i love popcorn and ice cream and champagne and i also love those two shows. i bought sean a bottle of Bodegas LAN Rioja Crianza, and he bought me a subscription to The Atlantic Monthly. probably this weekend we'll do something like go up to the mountains or out to dinner somewhere. but that's really not the point, it's about what is realistic in life at the moment. everyone always talks about how they are sickened by america's overindulgence in life. but they don't live as if they're sickened by it. i'm not saying that i don't fall into that as well. but i love sean and that's what it's about. it's not about the dinner or the expense. or any of that. that's the frill, and if that's what it was all about i wouldn't still be here. i wouldn't have gotten married. it's not about the overindulgence in the expense and the show. it's about what's real and what's honest. if i honestly love this man and he honestly loves me i don't care what we're eating or what we're wearing while eating it. sean always says, "someday we'll look back on these days and laugh" and i hope not. i hope we look back on these days and are sweetly reminded of the lovely honesty of life. maybe that's what you write about on an anniversary. honesty.