24 September 2006

too late

this weekend i did none...NONE of the massive load of homework i needed to do. i had plenty of time, but yet again was not only completely frozen by inescapable fear and procrastination but also by a cold. i spend the whole day today except for about 3 hours on the couch watching mythbusters and sleeping. now the weekend is over and i feel like crap because i didn't get any of my grandiose notions of doing all my homework and studying done...finding myself going into this week feeling confidant and put together (not as if that's EVER happened...but i still hold on to the hope that it will. i hold on like mold that holds on to your left overs.)
well here's to another week of flying by the seat of my pants, being frazzled, late and overwhelmed. and yet somehow i've even paid to feel this way. this is quite the incomprehensible system we have created.
i had a hot dog, just the dog..no bun, and chocolate chips for dinner...odd, and clearly not my best creation. sean is one of those people who will put the hot dog in a piece of bread if we have no hot dog buns....i am not. no bun...no nothin'. honestly, a piece of bread...a tortilla...whatever it's not the same.
i also vowed today to get to bed by at least 1100pm. it is now 1132. enough.
honestly if all i have to complain about is that i was lazy and that i ate a hot dog for dinner i realize..what kind of moron am i? well if nothing else i'm at least a consistent moron. here's to that. cheers.

23 September 2006

the familiar

in our living room/everything room we have a table that holds slots for our mail, coming up wedding invitations and a few pictures. below this table is where sean loves to stack things. sean loves to stack things everywhere in life but especially he loves to stack things on his desk and under this table. the other day i looked over and there was a stack of cooking books including the new professional chef, jamie's dinners by jamie oliver, and professional vegitarian cooking. on top of that was a prehospital emergency care text book, followed by a current issue of the onion, then a repair manual for mummsy (our volvo), and the crowning glory, the thursday issue of the new york times. sitting next to this large stack, an ECG/EKG text book.
mostly this just made me smile. it is not so much a summing up of who he is. it's not that these things define who sean is, but is part of who he is. he's a cook, a student, and an avid reader of everything. the pile is still sitting under the table because i've learned that if i clean it up, it will only find it's way back there.
...perhaps a picture to come

21 September 2006

i agree...

the other day shalene posted about "what if". it was beautiful. and it made me think about anne lamott's plan b. mostly about this bit:

"I called [my friend] Father Tom back. He listened quietly. I asked him for some good news. He thought. 'Well,' he said finally. 'My cactuses are blooming. Last week they were ugly and reptilian, and now they are bursting with red and pink blossoms. They don't bloom every year, so you have to love them while they're here.'
'I hate cactuses,' I said. 'I want to know what to do. Where we even start.'
'We start by being kind to ourselves. We breathe, we eat. We remember that God is present wherever people suffer. God's here with us when we're miserable, and God is there in Iraq. The suffering of innocent people draws God close to them. Kids hit by U.S. bombs are not abandoned by God.'
'Well, it sure looks like they were,' I said. 'It sure looks that way to their parents.'
'It also looked like Christ had been abandoned on the cross. It looked like a win for the Romans.'
'How do we help? How do we not lose our minds?'
'You take care of the suffering.'
'I can't get to Iraq.'
'There are folks who are miserable here.'"

i admit i have failed, have also missed the point.... but i wonder what if we spent as much time caring for the suffering here as we did complaining about the administration or the war or everything else we've found to complain about with this government? what if...

19 September 2006


what the hell do you write about when you have an anniversary? probably you don't start with writing hell. well i suppose you write about how the honeymoon is really over now, or how about you know the person inside and out. i suppose i feel as if the honeymoon is over, i dunno. i'm still happy, what does that mean? i have no answer. i think i like that. i like that i have no answer. i think that's why i hate school. i am completely content to simply have no answer. i think that scares people. they want to know. are they right? are they wrong? who's right and why? why weren't they right? maybe so that they'll be right next time. well this is marriage and unless this guy who sleeps next to me kicks the bucket i don't plan on having a next time, so i'm okay with no answer.
we both had class last night on our anniversary. i got home a little before 930pm. we had popcorn and ice cream and champagne and watch studio 60 on the sunset strip followed by the daily show. i realize this may sound extremely depressing. but it wasn't. i love popcorn and ice cream and champagne and i also love those two shows. i bought sean a bottle of Bodegas LAN Rioja Crianza, and he bought me a subscription to The Atlantic Monthly. probably this weekend we'll do something like go up to the mountains or out to dinner somewhere. but that's really not the point, it's about what is realistic in life at the moment. everyone always talks about how they are sickened by america's overindulgence in life. but they don't live as if they're sickened by it. i'm not saying that i don't fall into that as well. but i love sean and that's what it's about. it's not about the dinner or the expense. or any of that. that's the frill, and if that's what it was all about i wouldn't still be here. i wouldn't have gotten married. it's not about the overindulgence in the expense and the show. it's about what's real and what's honest. if i honestly love this man and he honestly loves me i don't care what we're eating or what we're wearing while eating it. sean always says, "someday we'll look back on these days and laugh" and i hope not. i hope we look back on these days and are sweetly reminded of the lovely honesty of life. maybe that's what you write about on an anniversary. honesty.