20 December 2006


everyone always talks about the seasons of your life. and how you'll look back and you'll laugh. or that you will remember with fondness the days when you had no money. i don't doubt that i'll won't remember this time in our lives. but no one ever decides to continue on with life without money. without their security. a month ago someone asked me what we were living on. did we just have a large savings that we were falling back on. "nope. just feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing" is all i can say. that always meets people well. they love to hear that. "oh that's great" they'll say "how good of you" well it may be great and well for someone but not them is really what they're saying. because sometimes you finish paying a few bills and there's ninty-seven dollars in your bank account. and rent is due in weeks and presents to buy and phone bills and, and, and. and y'know sometimes you stop and ask yourself. when is that time? when is it that i'm supposed to look back and think this was fun? when is it that this becomes nostalgic? when does it cross over from terrifying to "that crazy time in life". because i'm waiting and i don't see the light.
it seems like a very memorable time in life, but memorable like natural disasters are memorable. not like your 5th birthday party, or your wedding day. but hey. it's fun right? we'll have stories. and we'll get to tell our kids, and we'll remember when we ate pizza for every meal. except for that's just it. we don't eat pizza for every meal. it costs too much. so no i don't think this turns out to be one of those times. i don't think you look back on this and smile. i think you look back and say "thank God it's over". because if it were so fascinatingly fantastic you would be writing this post. but you're not, because it's not a time anyone ever wants to re-visit or re-live.

someday there will be flowers in the window...but i will not look back on this fondly. i will not yearn for this time of life again.

26 October 2006

...a complaint, a surprise, a bit of a who's who

a few reasons i don't like my school:
1) it smells like a movie theater. a great smell for a movie theater...odd for a college. it smells this way because they are always popping popcorn. again. i know you're thinking "i wish.." no. stop. you don't wish. it's odd.
2) i don't know that more teal and purple could have fit into a building. it's as if you've stepped into some horrid dream circa 1990 and you can't ever seem to leave.
3) i feel as if i am in college day care.
4) the bathrooms smell WAY worse than any bathroom in any school i've ever attended.
5) i have been there for almost 2 years now, and i still get lost...it's not big, it's mostly as if you are in a very badly put together maze...with lots of teal and purple.
6) there are no windows in my classrooms. my high school didn't have windows either. honestly...who's against the window? really...is there someone out there sitting around thinking of what would be the best environment, the one most conducive to learning and they thought "OH, a windowless world of teal and purple! THAT will get these kids thinking!"
7) it is located in the suburbia of suburbia land. it's nowhere.

however, i have learned that i really do like chemistry. honestly. it is now 2:50am and i just finished doing my chemistry homework (not because of procrastination, simply bad timing..only got it yesterday) but i was enjoying it....enjoying it and surprised when i looked at the clock that it was almost 3 am (i was lost in the fun). i could sit about doing chemistry all day long and i would enjoy it. everything fits into nice neat boxes, it follows clear rules, you sit around and manipulate and manipulate and then WHALA! perfect. incredibly satisfying.
also we're supposed to get a blizzard tonight? my A&P teacher who never speaks to me, and i'm not sure knows my name informed me of this when i walked in the door tonight. first thing the man's ever said to me. odder than odd. but hey, y'know, i've got that.

and humm...i'm not sure you've met my cousin MRS. ANNE C. GROVES! it was beautiful. pictures and stories to come.
for now....i'll leave you with the teal and purple popcorn suburbia, chemistry loving and a blizzard. i mean, what else is there really? and i'm not spell checking...it's begun to depress me once again.

03 October 2006

my lunch

...because sometimes you need a really good meal. i made homemade onion rings with a blue cheese/cayenne pepper sauce, and a hot dog with mustard. ohh man, it was good. i had to go with this picture because the camera battery died. the whole thing was made and consumed within 45 minutes...now on to the endless hours of studying.

02 October 2006

pictures from our walk

two wake ups

on mondays, wednesday and thrusday sean has to get up at 600am to leave the house between 700 & 730 to catch the bus down to denver. i try on most of these mornings to get up with him as well even though on mondays and wednesdays i don't have class until 300pm. but i figure "this will be good...i'll get things done...i'll have a morning...i love the morning." alas...mostly i fail at waking up with him, but i usually get up about the time he's leaving. this morning however was a whole different bunch of bananas.
i woke up between 500 & 545am (i never looked at a clock) but i woke up to a HUGE and incredibly loud crashing and banging sound in the bathroom. which startled both sean and i. apparently sean thought that i had fallen on my way to the bathroom (not that i've ever done that before) and so in response (he tells me hours later) he wanted to make sure i was okay, he wanted to check that i was still in bed. so literally maybe 2 seconds after the horrible crash awakening (heart still beating quickly...and still very sleepy) sean swings his arm over and hits me straight in the face. all i could say was, "ugh." and sean immediately starts apologizing profusely and without stopping, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." almost as if he has no power to stop himself from apologizing. he couldn't stop saying it.
so after the whole hub-ub i settle down and try to get back to sleep....to no avail. to top it all of...now i have to get up and go to the bathroom. return to bed...still can't sleep. sean of course is totally passed out. i lie there for a bit and then alarms start going off...and finally sean gets up to go shower. and i think, "i'll just try and sleep for a few hours more." and then the cat outside starts scratching the glass on the door with his claws, which makes kenna whimper and stare at me...ENOUGH. i was awake.
get up, feed the cat, make coffee...drink some orange juice. eat breakfast and sit down to watch a bit of the today show. sean leaves around 730 and i lie down on the couch for "just 30 minutes" i tell myself. i awake at 1000am...alas, the second wake up.
here's to the day!

however. here's what i saw out our front door when i opened it to feed the cat and let the dog out....not so bad.

24 September 2006

too late

this weekend i did none...NONE of the massive load of homework i needed to do. i had plenty of time, but yet again was not only completely frozen by inescapable fear and procrastination but also by a cold. i spend the whole day today except for about 3 hours on the couch watching mythbusters and sleeping. now the weekend is over and i feel like crap because i didn't get any of my grandiose notions of doing all my homework and studying done...finding myself going into this week feeling confidant and put together (not as if that's EVER happened...but i still hold on to the hope that it will. i hold on like mold that holds on to your left overs.)
well here's to another week of flying by the seat of my pants, being frazzled, late and overwhelmed. and yet somehow i've even paid to feel this way. this is quite the incomprehensible system we have created.
i had a hot dog, just the dog..no bun, and chocolate chips for dinner...odd, and clearly not my best creation. sean is one of those people who will put the hot dog in a piece of bread if we have no hot dog buns....i am not. no bun...no nothin'. honestly, a piece of bread...a tortilla...whatever it's not the same.
i also vowed today to get to bed by at least 1100pm. it is now 1132. enough.
honestly if all i have to complain about is that i was lazy and that i ate a hot dog for dinner i realize..what kind of moron am i? well if nothing else i'm at least a consistent moron. here's to that. cheers.

23 September 2006

the familiar

in our living room/everything room we have a table that holds slots for our mail, coming up wedding invitations and a few pictures. below this table is where sean loves to stack things. sean loves to stack things everywhere in life but especially he loves to stack things on his desk and under this table. the other day i looked over and there was a stack of cooking books including the new professional chef, jamie's dinners by jamie oliver, and professional vegitarian cooking. on top of that was a prehospital emergency care text book, followed by a current issue of the onion, then a repair manual for mummsy (our volvo), and the crowning glory, the thursday issue of the new york times. sitting next to this large stack, an ECG/EKG text book.
mostly this just made me smile. it is not so much a summing up of who he is. it's not that these things define who sean is, but is part of who he is. he's a cook, a student, and an avid reader of everything. the pile is still sitting under the table because i've learned that if i clean it up, it will only find it's way back there.
...perhaps a picture to come

21 September 2006

i agree...

the other day shalene posted about "what if". it was beautiful. and it made me think about anne lamott's plan b. mostly about this bit:

"I called [my friend] Father Tom back. He listened quietly. I asked him for some good news. He thought. 'Well,' he said finally. 'My cactuses are blooming. Last week they were ugly and reptilian, and now they are bursting with red and pink blossoms. They don't bloom every year, so you have to love them while they're here.'
'I hate cactuses,' I said. 'I want to know what to do. Where we even start.'
'We start by being kind to ourselves. We breathe, we eat. We remember that God is present wherever people suffer. God's here with us when we're miserable, and God is there in Iraq. The suffering of innocent people draws God close to them. Kids hit by U.S. bombs are not abandoned by God.'
'Well, it sure looks like they were,' I said. 'It sure looks that way to their parents.'
'It also looked like Christ had been abandoned on the cross. It looked like a win for the Romans.'
'How do we help? How do we not lose our minds?'
'You take care of the suffering.'
'I can't get to Iraq.'
'There are folks who are miserable here.'"

i admit i have failed, have also missed the point.... but i wonder what if we spent as much time caring for the suffering here as we did complaining about the administration or the war or everything else we've found to complain about with this government? what if...

19 September 2006


what the hell do you write about when you have an anniversary? probably you don't start with writing hell. well i suppose you write about how the honeymoon is really over now, or how about you know the person inside and out. i suppose i feel as if the honeymoon is over, i dunno. i'm still happy, what does that mean? i have no answer. i think i like that. i like that i have no answer. i think that's why i hate school. i am completely content to simply have no answer. i think that scares people. they want to know. are they right? are they wrong? who's right and why? why weren't they right? maybe so that they'll be right next time. well this is marriage and unless this guy who sleeps next to me kicks the bucket i don't plan on having a next time, so i'm okay with no answer.
we both had class last night on our anniversary. i got home a little before 930pm. we had popcorn and ice cream and champagne and watch studio 60 on the sunset strip followed by the daily show. i realize this may sound extremely depressing. but it wasn't. i love popcorn and ice cream and champagne and i also love those two shows. i bought sean a bottle of Bodegas LAN Rioja Crianza, and he bought me a subscription to The Atlantic Monthly. probably this weekend we'll do something like go up to the mountains or out to dinner somewhere. but that's really not the point, it's about what is realistic in life at the moment. everyone always talks about how they are sickened by america's overindulgence in life. but they don't live as if they're sickened by it. i'm not saying that i don't fall into that as well. but i love sean and that's what it's about. it's not about the dinner or the expense. or any of that. that's the frill, and if that's what it was all about i wouldn't still be here. i wouldn't have gotten married. it's not about the overindulgence in the expense and the show. it's about what's real and what's honest. if i honestly love this man and he honestly loves me i don't care what we're eating or what we're wearing while eating it. sean always says, "someday we'll look back on these days and laugh" and i hope not. i hope we look back on these days and are sweetly reminded of the lovely honesty of life. maybe that's what you write about on an anniversary. honesty.

29 July 2006

barbie pink binder

today i feel odd. i just spent some time reading my cousin's blog and am continually blessed by my family. sometimes when i am just tired and apprehensive about where my life is going i find it either wonderful or terrible to listen to music. because it either helps a bit, makes me realize that you can't take life so seriously. music takes me through memories of life. however sometimes i'm just tired and emotional and it just makes me cry and freak out and feel as if i've lost my mind.
this summer has been amazing. i am surrounded by friends and family and loving it. these people bring so much laughter and truth into my life. however at times i hear a whispering in my ear. that sean and i are crazy. we have no idea how we will pay the bills when we get home. we have no jobs waiting for us in boulder. i have to find an internship or preferably job at a dental office. we have food to buy and animals to take care of. and sometimes the whispering in my ear becomes too much. our whole marriage has been saturated with trust. we've never had money, but we've never been in want. ever. more times than i can count i've looked at sean and said, "how will this work? where will the money come from?" and it's always there. sean works hard. most of the time too hard. i am more than grateful...sometimes i feel so unworthy in this relationship. not because of him. sean would never say that i am. and it's not an unworthiness of feeling that i am incapable of being in this marriage, just of that i don't deserve this man. i know it's the whole point. none of us deserve any of these things. and i don't deserve this marriage. but i am grateful. the other night i was sitting in the ranch house with a life-long friend and she said, "he's a good one. you are blessed. there really aren't many out there like him. really." She wasn't saying all guys out there are crap or that none of them are worth dating or whatever, but just in honesty affirming in my life that Sean is a blessing on all. that he understands what it is to care for people not to just care about people, but to actually care FOR them.
at our wedding sean and i danced to a Ben Folds song to which the chorus is "and i am...i am...i am, the luckiest." that's how i feel. the luckiest.
i am myself in this relationship. it's the best feeling ever. i remember when i was talking with annie after her and jd had been together for some time and she looked at me and said, "i had no idea it could be this good". i shared her surprise. it's true. i also had NO idea how good this could be. a couple of weeks ago i had a dream that sean was really sick with the chicken pox and when i woke up in the morning sean was already up, but just sitting on the edge of the bed and i sat bold upright and said "DO YOU HAVE THE CHICKEN POX?!?!" sean, classically in just the calmest voice said, "no. already have had." and then walked off to go shower. he didn't look at me like i was a loon. which i clearly am. he didn't even ask any questions. just.."no. already have had". this morning i woke up a bit after 700 to sean's alarm and called my brother to see how his wife was doing (she's in labor). he said that mom and baby were both doing fine but that there had been no progress. they were still just waiting. she went into labor probably around 1100-ish or so last night. and when i got off the phone sean said "well, what's the word?" and i said "still in labor" and then pulled the blankets back over my head and said "NO thank you". he just smiled at me, said he needed to get going. still groggy and horrified at the thought of giving birth all night long i said, "adios muchacho!" he kissed me laughed a little and said "adios".
i'm not sure he always knows what to do with me. but i do know as unworthy as i am in this, that i am a blessing to his life as well. i teach him how to not take life so seriously at times. and he blesses me with unconditional love and patience.
sean carries around a barbie pink binder. he keeps all of his important camp papers in it. phone numbers, legal papers, schedules, housing assignments of hundreds of children, sermons, morning talks, etc. he keeps it all in the barbie pink binder because it reminds him not to take life so seriously. a few weeks ago i made a silly flower pen for lyndsay pina, to remind her to not take life so seriously.
sometimes when i hear the whisper that sean and i are crazy for being out here this summer. that the money will dry up before we realize and we'll have no jobs and the bills will pile up, when i hear this whisper i loose my barbie pink binder. today i need to find my barbie pink binder or my flower pen.
those are all my thoughts for the moment.
adios muchachos!

04 April 2006

what a guy...

i wanted to title this post wordless, but that wasn't accurate. i am literally speechless. i am so angry with the owner of the restaurant right now that i can't even form sentences, i do however have many WORDS for what i'm feeling, but i'm not sure that they make a sentence, at least not one that would be grammatically correct. i have never felt anger like this before and i have no idea what to do with it. i know that there is a lot of injustice in the world, and most of it far exceeding this piddly thing in our lives...i just really never thought that someone would refuse to pay someone for their job. just refuse. sean was in the hospital for 4..5? days because of a horrible appendicitis and his boss took him off salary while he was in the hospital because he wasn't going to technically work 40 hours that week (he would only work 20), and then following week when he worked 65+ hours RIGHT AFTER SURGERY (so stay with me, now that's the full 2 week period...with a total of 85+ hours worked....MORE than the 80 hours he supposed to work in a paid period for his "salaried" position) and what does this ass do? he pays him HOURLY for the 20 hour week...and then SALARIED for the 65+ hour week, so that he only had to pay him for 40 of the 65+ hours he worked. thanks boss for that help and support during our hour of need.
okay i've got to stop tying or this is just going to get ugly...i've said this all as nicely as i possibly can. i think i need to throw up. i hate him.

03 March 2006

because people are asking

someone i work with thought that sean and i were separating because he thought that only i was going to california for the summer. he actually said (and i took this as a HUGE compliment) that if sean and i couldn't make it work that he didn't believe in love in the world anymore. now that the summer staff list is posted people wonder if only sean will be in california for the summer.
sean and i are not getting a divorce. wow, that just really killed me. it makes me laugh out loud every time.
secondly we will both be in california for the summer. sean will be coordinating crestview and i will be working in the fabulous office.
however i have to be honest that i'm really upset that sean and i will miss the grand homecoming of our very fashionable sister from europe...and not to mention harry.
sean and i were in target the other day to buy some stickers for our christmas cards. no, not very early, very late...what else did you expect? but i found myself thinking of the lovely amanda. not ONLY did we see that they now have the first season of grey's out...we also bought some jello. red jello. a.o., we could have been doomed to a slightly awkward relationship for months and months were it not for jello. man, that was close. miss you.
woah - i just saw some little girl pull out 5 live frogs from her diaper on america's funniest home videos.
i also sort of hate school. sorry to all you college lovers out there. i just don't like it. it's not amazing. it's not the end all be all of my life. i think it's kind of lame, a big hype. kind of like school all along, a bit of a waste of my time.
i also would like to announce that emma thompson is my favorite actress.

14 February 2006

because it's valentine's day, because this is love


Nenny and I don't look like sisters...not right away. Not the way you can tell with Rachel and Lucy who have the same fat popsicle lips like everybody else in their family. But me and Nenny, we are more alike than you would know. Our laughter for example. No the shy ice cream bells giggle of Rachel and Lucy's family, but all of a sudden and surprised like a pile of dishes breaking. And other things I can't explain.
One day we were passing a house that looked, in my mind, like the houses I had seen in Mexico. I don't know why. There was nothing about the house that looked exactly like the houses I remembered. I'm not even sure why I thought it, but it seemed to feel right.
Look at that house, I said, it looks like Mexico.
Rachel and Lucy look at me like I'm crazy, but before they can let out a laugh, Nenny says: Yes, that's Mexico all right. That's what I was thinking exactly."

"The House on Mango Street" by Sandra Cisneros

28 January 2006

the wife of a cook

(preface: sean would never and will never refer to himself as a chef because he believes that CHEF is a title you earn something you accomplish. therefore he would call himself a cook.)
there is this big myth that has been started somewhere. that if you live with someone who cooks for a living that you must eat incredible things night and day. AND IT'S TRUE. i have a fabulous life, it's wonderful, and I do eat amazing things. however -
this is also the life as the wife of a cook. you do not eat dinner together. you do not eat lunch together, and you mostly just don't eat together. because although you have time for breakfast, most likely the cook didn't get home before 2am at times. would you ask the love of your life to wake up at 7am and make you breakfast if he didn't got to bed until 3am? would you? no, you wouldn't.
sometimes you would stay up until 1am to wait for him to get home, and most times you would eat dinner by yourself. and that's okay. life is different. and that's okay.
i'm never sure what to say to people when they feel badly for sean and I that we don't get to have all these things together. I married a cook. and that's okay. it's wonderful. this is who I love. and this is why I love him. yes, he works very very very long days for not much money. no we don't get much time together. no, he doesn't get to see his friends as often as he would like. I don't want him to get a 9-5 desk job, because it would kill him. and it wouldn't be him. I knew who I married. I knew the heart I married. and wouldn't want to change that for a million dinners together, or a million weekends. I love being the wife of a cook.

for your knowledge - tonight I ate dinner at 1015pm by myself. it consisted of three kinds of cheese (chevere, brie and cheddar), beets, and a few belienies (champagne with peach nectar). as the wife of a cook, you might not always have the cook, but you always have fabulous ingredients to make something with. not matter how lazy you are.

a birthday

january 26
so as everyone has been telling me, i am now officially old.
it is apparently unnanumous that i have no birthdays to look forward to. everything is down hill from here. mid-life crisis here i come. there seems to be some debate that turning 30 could be cool, however when people say that they have that look in their face. it's the...i'm trying to convice myself and you at the same time, but....neither one of us is buying this. or most people are bound to bring up the ever popular "well, at 25 you can rent a car?" but as my friend abe said today "oh, no you can rent one now, you just have to pay up the butt for it." and HONESTLY, who looks forward to renting a car??!? where are those people, no never mind, i don't want to meet them.
i'm sure that there are lots of groans going on out there. a lot of "my gosh you're only 22" it's true. but i think it might be the line that you cross. the old/young line. but no one wants to admit it. it's secretive and quiet and sneaks up on you.
my birthday was wonderful, as all birthday should be. quiet and simple and nothing big. just the way i like it. the only way that i would love a big birthday party is if at the party there was never a bringing out of any kind of cake. no singing of any kind. and no making me make any kind of public speech of any kind. however my dream birthday, lots and lots and lots of wonderful friends (and also my husband) at a fabulous restaurant at one big table eating and enjoying each others laughter, stories and company. but i want to sit in the middle of the table, not at the end and i don't want to sit next to sean. i dislike "couple sitting" it's strange and very alienating i feel to those who have no other. as if they need one. why can't we all be individules? you live with that person, do you really have to SIT next to them at every occation? why wouldn't you want to be surrounded with people you DON'T get to see everyday? odd.
every year on my birthday, since my 18th birthday i have listened to the same cd. my friend made it for me as a present on my 18th birthday. 5 years later and it's still a great birthday cd. i supose i'll keep the friend too.

22 January 2006

a song

i never do this. simply type out a song on my blog. because when others do this i never actually read the song. (sorry 'bout that) however, this song is being played over and over and over on my iPod right now. i'm glad that it is. because at least it means i haven't given up. i think.

hush - waterdeep - everyone's beautiful

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
and you feel like the nights seem quickly gone
and on the inside, you feel like your hearts just gaping wide
and on the inside, you feel like no one's on your side
well, I am
I am

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
and there's another need another battle another one more thing that comes along
and on the inside, you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
and on the inside, you can't pick another broken piece up off of the ground
well, I know

hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gunna buy you a great big heaven to rest in.
he's bought it with blood, and put the seal in your heart
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start....again

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hangin' on
and everything you try to do right, just ends up all wrong
and on the inside, everyone else seems basically fine
but on the inside, even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive
well, I AM

hush little baby, don't say a word
daddy's gunna by you a great big heaven to rest in
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start....again
again, again and again...

21 January 2006

they were right

so, as you grow up in life you realize lots of times that you thought you knew what you were talking about. but you didn't. you were wrong. or you didn't believe your teacher,parent,counselor. you thought you were right. you weren't. you were wrong. you didn't need help because you could do it by yourself. but you couldn't. you were wrong. they were right.

today i was driving and was OBVIOUSLY running about 5 minutes late. because who would be on time, when you can constantly be 5 minutes late to EVERYTHING in life. and as if it wasn't enough to simply be driving to work 5 minutes late after the whirlwind tornado of trying to shower and eat and dry hair and put on mascara and find clean socks at once, i also attempted to listen to two or three days of messages left on my cell phone. all from my complete lack of responsibility. i didn't charge my phone, and then i couldn't find the charger, then i found it but was too lazy to plug it in.... so there i am drving, out of breath, LATE, and listening to messages. and i had three messages, two of which i listened to without much mind, they were just the typical "hey, were here, are you on your way?" y'know those kind.
the third message was from a dear friend asking me to take on...to do something incredibly difficult. i was frozen, it was as if my mind had been going a million miles a minute and then all of a sudden i couldn't think. couldn't breathe. couldn't move. couldn't listen.

sometimes as you grow up in life
you realize lots of times that you thought you knew what you were talking about. but you didn't. you were wrong. i, cannot drive a car and talk on my cell phone. they were right. the parents, the politicians, the angry person with the anti-cell phone bumper sticker on their car. they were right.

there was no accident, there was nothing...i was in an empty parking lot. however, i thought i could, and i can't because i have no idea what the person on the other end might be getting ready to say to me.

14 January 2006

humm better?

man, i feel as though i woke up on the awkward side of the bed today. woke up late for work - it was one of those drying my hair while putting on make up while trying to get dressed all at the same time. i mean it ONLY could have been topped off if i had had the animals running around and a million children going crazy all around me. so i arrive at work all flustered and the day fell accordingly afterward. just everything gone to crap. i got to work with some people i like which was a bonus, but really, as fabulous as they are...not making up for the rest of it.
i have the next couple days off which i think will be good. i'm thinking about getting to some art projects started/finished - who knows. maybe try and figure some things out.
okay. really, i have nothing else to say. i'm stopping now.

13 January 2006

crap man

*unfortunatly honest. or maybe not. read at your own discression*
(listening to: blue light- bloc party)

i am feeling as though this may not be the best time for me to start blogging again but i'm ...what's the word. I DON'T KNOW.(and that pisses me off when i can't remember the word i want to use, however i am much MORE aggitated when i KNOW the word i want to use but cannot because i CANNOT SPELL IT. what the hell is a great vocabulary doing me if i can't spell anything.) whatever i just need to or want to? no that's not it. well here i am. i am still fighting the constant inner battle of kinda hating blogging.(i feel that's not gramatically correct) i really do think that y'all would be surprized how many times i THINK about blogging. but it gives me the same feeling in my gut like the thought of doing dishes or cleaning my room gives me. and yet here i am. strange. right....so i have been feeling a serious lack of laughter in my life lately. i feel very lazy. it's like i have no energy to pour into people. wow, that's depressing now that i see it written. it's as if people are talking and i just don't care. or i go to social events waiting for when i can leave. everything seems bothersome. i'm unhappy when i'm alone, i'm unhappy when i'm with people. i got to see some very close friends this past week and that was wonderful. they just know me so well, and i realized that a part of me is gone when they are. it's as if i've given them part of me that i can't have unless they're sitting next to me. i feel needy. i HATE being needy. i'm not excited about school. i'm not excited about ANYTHING. i hate work, i hate doing laundry, i hate waking up, i hate getting dressed. this isn't like alexander and the terrible no good very bad day. this is CRAP. i'm not saying that i'm not completely over privledged and have more than i ever should or deserve or need. maybe it's something in that...the feeling of glutany that makes you sick. that you've endulged yourself to the point of illness. as my friend said to me the other day "hum, that's called a sin babe." INDULGED MYSELF TO THE POINT OF ILLNESS. i feel discusting. i feel numb and disconected. i'm irritated and dissapointed with everyone. or with myself, or both, or neither. i find myself agreeing to stay only in the gray where it's comfortable for everyone. where no one will be offended. FUCK. that's how i feel. i realize that my parents and aunts and uncles, pastors and mentors, cousins and probably some old church lady and my GRANDMOTHER for gosh sakes reads this but that's how it goes sometimes.
so this is why i don't blog. I HATE THAT I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE TO. why am i forcing myself to do this? ....so i listen to myself. so i hear myself. not for you. it's not for you. not in a selfish way, but i'm not very good at getting things out. i let it cramp up inside, like that 3rd microwave burrito you shouldn't have eaten. (like the FIRST one that you shouldn't have eaten)
i'm going on a run. to get some of this out, or work some of it out, or barf some of it out (not in an eating disorder sort of way however) in a this world has made me sick kind of a way. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SICK. and i'm not spell checking this either.

but if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is.