13 January 2006

crap man

*unfortunatly honest. or maybe not. read at your own discression*
(listening to: blue light- bloc party)

i am feeling as though this may not be the best time for me to start blogging again but i'm ...what's the word. I DON'T KNOW.(and that pisses me off when i can't remember the word i want to use, however i am much MORE aggitated when i KNOW the word i want to use but cannot because i CANNOT SPELL IT. what the hell is a great vocabulary doing me if i can't spell anything.) whatever i just need to or want to? no that's not it. well here i am. i am still fighting the constant inner battle of kinda hating blogging.(i feel that's not gramatically correct) i really do think that y'all would be surprized how many times i THINK about blogging. but it gives me the same feeling in my gut like the thought of doing dishes or cleaning my room gives me. and yet here i am. strange. right....so i have been feeling a serious lack of laughter in my life lately. i feel very lazy. it's like i have no energy to pour into people. wow, that's depressing now that i see it written. it's as if people are talking and i just don't care. or i go to social events waiting for when i can leave. everything seems bothersome. i'm unhappy when i'm alone, i'm unhappy when i'm with people. i got to see some very close friends this past week and that was wonderful. they just know me so well, and i realized that a part of me is gone when they are. it's as if i've given them part of me that i can't have unless they're sitting next to me. i feel needy. i HATE being needy. i'm not excited about school. i'm not excited about ANYTHING. i hate work, i hate doing laundry, i hate waking up, i hate getting dressed. this isn't like alexander and the terrible no good very bad day. this is CRAP. i'm not saying that i'm not completely over privledged and have more than i ever should or deserve or need. maybe it's something in that...the feeling of glutany that makes you sick. that you've endulged yourself to the point of illness. as my friend said to me the other day "hum, that's called a sin babe." INDULGED MYSELF TO THE POINT OF ILLNESS. i feel discusting. i feel numb and disconected. i'm irritated and dissapointed with everyone. or with myself, or both, or neither. i find myself agreeing to stay only in the gray where it's comfortable for everyone. where no one will be offended. FUCK. that's how i feel. i realize that my parents and aunts and uncles, pastors and mentors, cousins and probably some old church lady and my GRANDMOTHER for gosh sakes reads this but that's how it goes sometimes.
so this is why i don't blog. I HATE THAT I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE TO. why am i forcing myself to do this? ....so i listen to myself. so i hear myself. not for you. it's not for you. not in a selfish way, but i'm not very good at getting things out. i let it cramp up inside, like that 3rd microwave burrito you shouldn't have eaten. (like the FIRST one that you shouldn't have eaten)
i'm going on a run. to get some of this out, or work some of it out, or barf some of it out (not in an eating disorder sort of way however) in a this world has made me sick kind of a way. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SICK. and i'm not spell checking this either.

but if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is.

3 comments:

Annie said...

as always jules... your honesty is a good dose of what we all experience at some point... or maybe many points... if we're really honest with ourselves. The past few days have been just not great at all. i've felt like blogging- then didn't. it's like a drug sometimes. i love you and i will pray. you're not digusting- just real. and thank God you're real.

philgreene5938 said...

I read over your blog, and i found it inquisitive, you may find My Blog interesting. My blog is just about my day to day life, as a park ranger. So please Click Here To Read My Blog

http://www.juicyfruiter.blogspot.com

joldroyd said...

philgrenne- i'm not even sure what to say. although i enjoyed the fact that you called my blog inquisitive, and i'll take it as a compliment. your blog was quite an insight to the life of a park ranger. entertaining. thanks for the comment.